Military Leaders Wrong-headed Victim Blaming

Unwanted sexual contact, sometimes merely an intentional physical brushing up against another soldier, is up 35% in the military over the past two years. It has always been a problem, as is more obvious sexual assault, and top brass have always known about it.

Case in point, the forty year plus tradition of the Naval Association Tailhook convention. The purpose of the annual convention turned "party/drunken brawl" is to learn new aviation techniques. But it becomes a morass of drunken aviators and naval officers, and the worst, in 1991, in the Las Vegas Hilton, saw scores of male naval officers convicted for the sexual assault of 26 women, 21 of whom were officers.

The Tailhook Scandal

Following that convention, Naval Admiral Frank Kelso (who was there) did his best to suggest zero tolerance for sexual assault in the military, and at the same time squelch the investigation.  George Bush accepted the Secretary of the Navy H. Lawrence Garrett III's resignation without regret for mishandling the affair. The story, The Mother of All Hooks: The Story of the US Navy's Tailhook Scandal is about 500 pages of testimony and tale, perfect documentary Oscar-award winning material.

Now we hear from Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Welsh at the Senate Armed Services Committee mistakenly associating consensual teenage sexual behavior with the rise in sexual assault in the military. Welsh failed to communicate that sexual assault is a failure to ask permission for the favor of sexual contact. Communication is everything, especially when we speak of sensitive topics like this.

Here's what he said. Parenthetic italics, our additions:

“It’s a big problem for our nation. It may be as big or bigger elsewhere. . . . Roughly 20 percent of the young women who come into the Department of Defense and the Air Force report that they were sexually assaulted in some way before they came into the military (consistent with the general population) . So they come in from a society where this occurs (he is talking about sexual assault). Some of it is the hook-up mentality of junior high, even, and high school students now. . . . (This is only correct in that there is pervasive acquaintance rape, and his use of "hook up" is a mis-use of the term that implies consensual sex.) The same demographic group moves into the military.

“We have got to change the culture once they arrive. The way they behave, the way they treat each other cannot be outside the bounds of what we consider inclusive and respectful.”

 He has it right, the military has to foster an inclusive and respectful culture. At the same time, that the object of his speech is that 20 percent of young women who bring to their adult lives in the military a history of sexual abuse, indicates he blames them in some way. They somehow encourage it. After all, they "hook up."

Language is everything. And when you are top brass, what you say is representative of the thinking of the entire military, the country. A blooper like this, and we wonder if the lessons of Tailhook were lost, need revisiting. 

Sexual assault, sexual harassment, make up a continuum of violence. None of it has to do with sexual history of the victim, or the permissive culture of our high schools, or the culture of a traditionally drunken convention. It is all about consent--the lack thereof. 

What we have now, what is happening internationally, finally, is a revolt against the tolerance of sexual assault. In India the rape of a 5-year old girl, a gang rape of a student on a bus, and another of a 23-year-old woman dragged from her home, jarred the country as women take to the streets in protest. This is a revolt against the cover-up of sexual assault, even in political arenas and countries that once overlooked it, subtly even condoned the sexploitation of women, children, and even men. 

So General Welsh, time to revise your statement, if you haven't yet. Women who want to enlist in the United States Armed Forces need to know that you know that they are not to blame when they are over-powered, when they are hurt. 

It is ironic that the media glorifies these same women in uniform when they return from their tours of duty. The hearts of women in a country at war, fighting, side by side with other soldiers.

You bet.

Linda Freedman, MSW, PhD, LCSW, LMFT

Intimidation and High School Kids

Adolescents are sometimes thought to be exaggerations of petulant children who may have deep thoughts but are driven, for the most part, by hormones--a dangerous combination.

In Columbus, Ohio, a jury is reviewing evidence to see if two teens broke laws by tweeting intimidating threats after the Steubenville football players, Ma'Lik Richmond and Trent Mays were charged with raping a 16 year old girl.

After Ma'Lik's conviction and two year sentence in juvenile prison, his cousin tweeted:  You ripped my family apart!

The other threatened the victim with bodily harm.

Charges of intimidation of a witness and aggravated menacing were dropped and the two 16-year-olds admitted to a single misdemeanor charge of telecommunications harassment and received six months' probation, said Sara Gasser, an attorney for one of the girls.

Worse, the investigators have to determine if coaches and teachers covered up the rape.

What are we to make of this?  Depends who you ask.

Some would say that teens are learning to value winning more than justice.
We could also say that persons of influence, coaches, teachers, parents, should be more involved with what is going on in the heads (and on the phones) of their kids.
Psychologically oriented types might say that intimidation is one way of making us feel more powerful, putting someone down to feel bigger.
We would also suggest that when there is violence in the family it will likely bleed to the world beyond, to the school, to the workplace. Not that we're casting aspersions here. But it happens. Respect for women, respect for men, respect for one's self is learned in the home, first and foremost.

That would be a good start.

Linda Freedman, MSW, PhD, LCSW, LMFT

Key Words

Glossary

© like everything else on this website, definitions are copyright 2011- Linda Freedman, PhD

Anonymity—the omniscience associated with Internet relationships; the opportunity to mask one’s identity or impersonate.  Anonymity emboldens predators who seek personal gain or sexual relationships via electronic communication. 

Behaviorally green®—a work or school environment free from relationship-violence.

Bullying—a type of relationship abuse characterized by exclusion, physical attacks, and/or  name-calling.  On-line, it is called Cyber Bullying.  Adults are victims of Cyber Stalking. 

Coercion—by virtue of authority, one person is able to convince, persuade, or blackmail another into behaving in ways that hurt or shame, an abuse of power.  Coercion is associated with holding rewards in abeyance for lack of compliance to morally disagreeable acts, firing, hiring, withholding wages or advancement, and negative evaluations, grades, or job reviews. 

Empathy— having the ability to feel the feelings of others, or at least recognizing the feelings of others intellectually.

Gaming, media, and social network addictions— addiction is implied when productivity or learning is impaired, and when other relationships outside the social network or game suffer.  Research that grades and work performance is impaired by the compulsion to play or to network indicates developmental delay associated with withdrawal from the “real world” and responsibility.

Hazing-- a form of bullying and harassment, often an initiation rite for a fraternity or a sports team. Being able to tolerate hazing signifies worthiness for acceptance into the club. 

Hostile environment—a work, school, or play atmosphere characterized by threats and disrespect, fear of retaliation for refusing to participate in sexual demands.  A hostile environment can be defined by upsetting sexual or racial/ethnic communication.  The Civil Rights Act of 1964 entitles workers and student to emotional safety at school and work, a respectful environment. (read more)  MAG,add the rest of the definitions any way you want, obviously.  I threw in Read More because that’s what I see everywhere.

Informed consent—sexual relationships, even some those that may seem consensual, are not always legal.   Informed consent , a legal term, implies that the persons who agree to relations are not impaired by substances, are not impaired mentally, and are of majority age.

Internet predators—thought to be individuals who troll (search) the Internet for psychologically vulnerable people, maybe children, but also trusting people who need friends.  The predator develops a relationship, usually through a social networking site, and grooms it to obtain sexual favors or financial gain, i.e., money or pornography.

Litigation — the threat of law suits and damages is always inherent when corporate, team, civil, or school social rules, rules that are not work related are scoffed, when individuals cross psychological, sexual, or physical boundaries.

Pedophilia—a mental disorder, a paraphilia, according to the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental and Behavioral Disorders-IV-TR (DSM-IV-TR, 2000).  Pedophilia is defined as having a sexual preference for prepubescent children.  That preference is manifested in persistent and recurrent thoughts, fantasies, urges, sexual arousal, or behavior.

Pornography and sexual exploitation—Internet predators seek out and groom teenagers, but also children and adults to supply an ever-growing demand for media and photographs with sexual content.  Because some targets are not old enough to provide informed consent, teens and prepubescent children are vulnerable to sexual exploitation, and ultimately, even sex addictions.

Position of authority – anyone who has the power to influence decisions by virtue of age, position, or rank.  Being in a position of authority enables people to exert unfair influence, to exploit those who are in subdominant roles, breaching what should be trust.  

Protected classes — legal designated “classes” include biological sex, age, ethnicity, race, disability, religion, national origin, or sexual identification.   The spirit behind the Civil Rights Act of 1964 is that everyone should be treated the same at work and at school.  The protected classes also include other groups, i.e., veterans.  Amendments that vary from state to state.

Relationship system— we start with one system, ourselves (made of many biological systems) and add family, partners, friends, people and institutions in the community, work colleagues and administrators, and find that we are a part of several of networks, or systems of relationships.

Sensitivity- being aware that others may not have your sense of humor and might feel badly about what you say to them and refraining from it. We are sometimes wired this way, to be sensitive but sometimes we become this way because of the context of our families. This is about being sensitive to the sensitivities of others.

Sex addiction— an obsession with sexual gratification or sexual behavior.  Exposure to pornography at a young age seems to be associated with obsessive thoughts about sex that don’t disappear with growth and development.  Many think that sex addictions begin very young, probably due to experience with sexual abuse, or exposure to pornography.

Sexting—sending photographs or videos with sexual content over electronic media, i.e., cell phones and computers.  These are easily copied and disseminated, causing shame, embarrassment, and psychological distress for victims.  

Sexual harassment – (also see unwanted sexual communication and hostile environment)  On the scale of sexual assault, sexual harassment is often less physical, more often with words and pictures.  It is always emotionally upsetting and psychologically invasive if not physically aggressive.  The mere suggestion of desired sexual behavior or a body part might be sexual harassment, especially if it is repeated and disturbing.   Examples:
A sexual joke about someone’s sexual behavior, perhaps where that person slept the night before.  Patting someone, touching, even gently, and saying something about a body part, when the touch and the comment are unwanted.  Publicly saying things like:

I really put it to her! 

Even privately saying:  I want some of what you’ve got. 

Suggesting:  Go out with me, or you might just lose your job.

Social Intelligence  —knowing when behavior or words will stress someone or will make them happy.  It is also referred to as a social or emotional IQ, and having empathy, feeling the feelings of others.

Social skill—a having a behavioral repertoire that makes others comfortable in social situations.  Socially skilled individuals usually have the ability to feel the feelings of others, but don’t always.

Unwelcome sexual communication— a wide spectrum of undesired communication, i.e., sharing and sending unsolicited pornography, leering, stalking, coercion for sex, threatening job loss, unwanted touch, making offensive jokes. 

Verbal abuse – more than a spouse calling another spouse a bad name, or making a sarcastic comment.  It is more than calling an employee stupid or incompetent.  It is even more than calling a player a disgrace.  (link “player a disgrace” to Team Wise). 

 It is also verbal abuse to threaten, to intimidate, scare, or coerce.  Whenever words convey something negative, whenever they directly insult or imply someone is deficient in a mean way, the interaction might be considered verbally abusive, a form or relationship violence.  These are allbuzz words for harassment litigation.  

Linda Freedman, MSW, PhD, LCSW, LMFT

Sensitivity

It is assumed that corporations considered work-friendly have trained managers about sexual harassment, and that schools provide workshops for teachers.

Workshops tend to be about the law, which can be harsh, and employee handbooks, how to communicate the wisdom behind the laws to employees so that they don't cross them.

The active ingredient in the workshops that work is engaging participants, somehow making it so interesting, so accessible, that they want to talk. But who is willing to talk about harassing anyone?  Or having been harassed?  Work isn't an encounter group. It isn't where we need to go to get therapy.

So the better workshop is about every day situations, what we might call, every day miss-steps. Because like those statistics, every five minutes someone is being raped, every ten seconds someone is being beat, probably every day people somebody is putting a foot in a mouth.

Call it sensitivity training, call it empathy training. Whatever you call it, it is about watching what we say.  SO not easy.

Ethnic Slurs

It is astounding how many there are, and we considered sharing them here but all anyone has to do to find an exhaustive list is google it. Or look here

The only reason we bring it up is that people inadvertently use ethnic slurs and upset other people. They may seem funny, but seeming isn't believing. So sometimes it is worth it to go over the list, discuss words with friends, and make a point to tell others, especially kids-- hey, this is not cool.

Linda Freedman, MSW, PhD, LCSW, LMFT