Hooters

I've never stepped foot in a Hooters, but I have a pretty good story to tell you about it.

Many years ago, as a marital therapist I saw a couple who had many problems, all we could fix, given much time and much patience, much dedication to the concept that they could be happily married. I'll change all the identifying details so that you know this is not about you or anyone you know.

He used to like the chicken wings, I think, at Hooters. She couldn't step foot in the place.

An educated person, a nurse, and a feminist, she believed that a woman showing off the top half of her body to take orders in a restaurant demeaned herself. She didn't like that he supported a business that enabled that to happen, the objectification of women.

If a woman's identity is basically the table she brings to the table, if she is judged by the size of a certain object of clothing, and admired for that, then she is diminished in every other way, that is who she is. We do this with men, too, judge them by the size of certain parts of their bodies, strong shoulders, you know. This is basically an insult to a person, confuses people about what should be important in maintaining successful relationships. It is not about size, actually, but communication, that makes for a good relationship. Clear, loving communication about what you need, what you want. That's the ticket.

Anyway, my patient told her husband that one day she wanted to have children, and she didn't want the father of her son or daughter to go to places like Hooters. She didn't want her kids to think that it's okay to ogle at women.

He didn't get it. He thinks it is normal, ogling at women. "All the guys do this, on the street, in their cars, at restaurants. And the food, by the way, is great at this place," he tells her.

She says to him, "It's demeaning to these women. They can't get other jobs, that's why they're at Hooters. They didn't have the benefit of an education. They didn't take a course in feminism or psychology. They don't know what is bad for them."

He says, "So it's good that there's a Hooters to hire them."

He misses the point.

The therapist intervenes, directs her spin on this to him.

"Say one day you do have a daughter, and she wants to work at Hooters. Is that okay? Any one of the customers might want to take her out after work, you know, maybe take her away from Hooters altogether. Maybe a customer can find her a better job, maybe one in pictures."

"No WAY!" he cries. "No daughter of mine is going to work there!"

And he stops spending his money at Hooters. Just like that.

Not sure, exactly, where he gets his chicken now.

Linda Freedman

’John Schools’ Try to Change Attitudes About Paid Sex

The CNN headline reads,

Johns Schools try to Change Attitudes
about Paid Sex.

Thank you, thank you, Stephanie Chen for bringing this program to national attention. It's so important, establishing programs to change objectification of women, the slavery, in some sense of the word, of both women and men. Men are clearly the slaves to their attitudes.

This blog, as an initiative of Relationship-Wise and Whys, will be dedicated to safety issues in personal relationships, schools, institutions and organizations, .

I lost my innocence about this topic when hired to develop a rape treatment center, to do the research to establish a need for the center in Chicago for campus rape victims. Desensitizing wasn't hard for me, and won't be hard for you, either. We do have to start young, stop thinking that anything is too "adult" for kids anymore. We can't protect anyone unless we talk about it.

Check out the CNN page about prostitution for more on the re-education of sex attitudes.

Essentially we look at women as people, men, too, not objects of pleasure.

Pleasure in people isn't a bad idea. Professionals just feel it should be within the context of a loving, safe relationship, one that is consensual.

Informed consent, just so you should know, implies that a person is of legal age, and is not under the influence. If you have a sexual relationship and you are not a legal adult, the person you have agreed to have sex with (or not) is at risk of violating a law in your state.

And if you have one of these relationships, and you're high or even just a little tipsy, and you say Yes tonight, but regret it in the morning, then you might be considered a rape victim at any age, even if the "perpetrator" was high, too. For all intents and purposes. We'll be talking about what this means on this blog.

To be raped, molested, violated-- not good for a person. And it's not good, even to pay for sex, not for the purchaser, and not for the person behind the cash register. It does nothing for a guy's self-esteem, buying sex.

Linda Freedman