Bishop Long and Spiritual Authority

It could be any ministry, really, or any clergy-person of any fold; any teacher, for that matter any mentor, or family friend; any advisor, psychologist or social worker, doctor or dentist-- supervisor at work--

pastor, bishop, rabbi, "friend"

any older person, usually older, who has authority, who by virtue of position, owner of the unquestionable last word, one in a position of leadership (especially by consensus or community charge), any older person, really, who has psychological power, who knows more or can persuade, make suggestions in a hypnotic, reputable way; or coerces in a threatening fashion, who takes advantage of a younger person's innocence or fear;

anyone who has the respect of someone else who is naive and impressionable, sometimes a much younger, mentally younger person, one who cannot see, cannot fathom, who does not want to see, sexually coercive intentions of another, a man or a woman (women do this, too) in authority or a position of psychological power.

This time it is a spiritual person, a member of the cloth, who is accused of the sexual abuse of young men who participated in a church program for 13-18 year olds to learn financial and sexual responsibility, ironically, a masculine mentoring initiative. Real men are respectful, I imagine is the point, and self-disciplined.

CNN

The Yahoo story

Bishop Eddie Long's response to his congregants.

So this time it is a Bishop, and as such, one of the crimes he is alleged to have committed is taking advantage of his spiritual authority. These things happen, of course, in other venues. The same thing happens when a teacher surreptitiously makes a student feel like a special friend, only to initiate a seduction at an opportune moment, or a boss, or a supervisor, with an employee who wants desperately to please.

The law, when we talk about abuse, is all about consent, the age for consent, and it seems that those filing complaints against the Bishop may technically have been adults at the time of the alleged seductions.

Sexual assault, on the other hand, as opposed to sexual abuse, is a lawful charge in which age is immaterial.

So you should know, those of you who think, ah, the lad or lassie is of age, twice.

We have laws against this sort of thing and no longer are churches protecting their shepherds. We just have to educate the kids, is the truth, and their parents-- teach them to recognize the warning signs. Because they're there.

Linda Freedman, PhD, LCSW, LMFT

Then and Now: Cheryl Raye-Stout and Ines Sainz

Veteran sports reporter Cheryl Raye-Stout, the first female reporter ever to step into the locker room at Soldier Field, home of the Chicago Bears, is now a teacher at Columbia College. Even then, when she took that first step back 1985 as a young female sports journalist (WMAQ radio), players jeered at her. The mayhem rose to the degree that Ms. Raye-Stout was briskly escorted out.

She stayed out for a number of years until a rookie put a stop to it. Today, in an interview with Alison Cuddy and Chicago Sky forward Shameka Christon, Ms. Raye-Stout fast-forwards to what happened last week in the New York Jets locker room. She points a finger to the new media-- bloggers and flash journalists-- who don't know the rules of the game, who measured player biceps at the Super Bowl last year, a set up for last week's debacle.

On WBEZ 848 show,the veteran (so marvelously politically incorrect) suggests, that Ines Sainz should not dress so provocatively in the locker room. She tells us that journalists are professionals. They know that the story isn't about them. Why, she implies, use cleavage to draw attention away from the story? She quotes the journalistic bible, perhaps mother's milk at Northwestern:

You don't want to be the story. You want to get the story.

Very much like the professional training I had as a young sex therapist in 1981 -- flashback to Loyola University Medical School, the Sex Therapy Clinic in Maywood, Illinois.

Domeena Renshaw, MD who has mentored thousands of sex and marital therapists over the years, emphasized, no, insisted (1) that her interns dress modestly, and (2) that we make a conscious effort to avoid any semblance of seductive behavior with our patients.

But that was 1981, probably about the time that Cheryl Raye-Stout jump-started her own career, like I did mine. Both of us have done well following that prime directive--

It's not about you, just get the history, don't let it be about you, let them talk.

Does this mean that Ms. Sainz needs to find a personal shopper with less style? Of course not! If someone wants to harass someone else it won't matter what that person is wearing. What it means is that Cheryl Raye-Stout, whether she knew it or not, somehow communicated--

Don't even think about it, let's just talk. Let's just talk about the game.

Of course she was harassed plenty over the years, and she admits it. But she didn't let it bother her. She wanted to do the job.

It was all about the game.

Has the world changed?

100%. It sure has. As a society sexual harassment isn't tolerated, indeed it is illegal in the work place. And there are so many women who would follow athletes home if they could that it is difficult for male athletes to know sometimes, Is she for real? Is she looking at me? Gosh she's . . . Then the remarks begin and the gestures. And this can be considered harassment.

Ines Sainz, by the way, in an interview with CNN's Joy Behar, can't say enough about how she tried to ignore them, how she tried to get the story. She tried to keep her cool, she repeats, to focus on the job. But it bothered her. Their crass, boorish behavior bothered her.

The resolution, as it should be in an enlightened society (see Amy Moritz' statement for the Association for Women in Sports Media) is clearly education.

The players need sensitivity training across the board. For sure. In fact everyone should learn in school about sexual communication, the consequences of words, suggestions, unintentional verbal assault.

And when it comes to the media, the uninvited humans in the locker room, the ones with the microphones, the athletes, the players need to know, above all, that female reporters, like male reporters, are there for the story. It's all about the story. At least, it should be.

Linda Freedman, PhD, LCSW, LMFT

A Commissioner with a Heart: Roger Goodell

Last week the unimaginable happened; what we in academia, law-enforcement and even human rights might consider a watershed, a milestone for sociological advancement.

It is all due to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and his ground-breaking ruling, one that will affect, we hope, all athletics. Mr. Goodell likely has no idea how big this is, how many of us have been waiting for someone like him to take the initiative.

Sensitive to workplace sexual harassment, Mr. Goodell has ruled that it is more important to educate players than it is to impose meaningless fines. Football players can easily pay fines. Ah, but an education. . . priceless.

It is a big deal because athletes are role models. They are the future mindset of a generation, meaning, young people follow admire their athletic prowess, but also their attitudes. An athlete should deserve hero worship. Be a part of the solution-- not nearly as difficult as it sounds.

If you haven't heard the story, Ines Sainz, a reporter for TV Azteca (a Mexican network) attended a Jets practice to interview quarterback Mark Sanchez. Coach Dennis Thurman threw footballs in the reporter's direction to move his players closer to her. Other coaches followed suit, the players hollered and cat-called her. Eventually seventeen people stepped forward to attest to the sexual harassment.

Ms. Sainz tweeted her discomfort from the locker room. The things that the Jets did and said made her uncomfortable, their words and gestures perhaps, snickers. She didn't find them funny or friendly; she felt vulnerable.

This, by definition, is sexual harassment-- making someone feel uncomfortable with sexually suggestive behavior.

It is one definition. There are several others, but sexual bullying is up there. What happened at the stadium, what happens in locker rooms when females of the media step in-- is sexual bullying-- harassment.

Unfortunately, one of the things about being on an all male team is that there is pressure to follow along, pressure to do what teammates are doing, just do what leaders suggest. It feels natural to go with the flow as one of the guys. It can be hard to be an individual, sometimes.

Sensitivity training might start right there.

Commissioner Goodell did the right thing to jump to rectify the incident. He called the behavior of the football team unprofessional and didn't waste time to act. Jets owner Woody Johnson wrote a personal apology to Sainz. He intends to pay to educate all 32 teams in the NFL about proper workplace conduct.

Already General Manager Mike Tannenbaum and Ms. Sainz have discussed the problem with Joanne Gerstner of AWSM to ensure a personal commitment — to ensure a respectful and professional environment for all members of the media.

Our programs are ready to go, Mr. Tannenbaum, Ms. Gerstner. You don't have to reinvent the wheel.

Linda Freedman, Phd, LCSW, LMFT

Katherine Schwarzenegger and the Female Body Image

Katherine Schwarzenegger has famous parents. Her father, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is the Governor of California. Her mother, Maria Shriver, a veteran journalist.

Katherine apparently has her mother's writing acumen because she's written a book, Rock What You've Got: Secrets to Loving Your Inner and Outer Beauty From Someone Who's Been There and Back.

It's about body image, how girls struggle with it.

Body image is a projection of self, really. All kinds of things build self-appreciation or self-esteem, even self-love, but it takes only a few negative messages to tear it down. A parent's critical remark-- You're getting so fat! --speaks volumes. We learn who we are from our first mirrors, our parents.

And you have to love you, is the truth, if you want to stand up to the big bad world. You have to love you if you want the courage to stand up for yourself, to establish boundaries, to protect yourself-- not only in intimate relationships but with everyone.

Ms. Schwarzenegger stresses in her book that girls work on their relationships with their mothers, that moms are the anti negative body image drug (our language, our interpretation), which makes great sense to us. Unfortunately, if a parent is part of the problem, bringing a therapist to the table is a good idea. Body image is important enough for that. Mothers can make indelible impressions, become formidable foes, usually completely unintentionally.

We learn that our author's parents were protective and tried to shield the family as much as possible from the public eye. They eschewed the celebrity trappings that can define Los Angeles like no other town. She tells us, "We practiced community service. We went to school and camp like normal kids." A real tribute to her family.

And yet, apparently, she felt self-conscious about her weight and tried to keep it under 100 pounds at one point. That's usually a symptom of Anorexia Nervosa, an eating disorder. It didn't become an obsession, however, didn't meet the criterion of a diagnosis.

What was it then? We hear

a competition with a friend.

Kid stuff. To a professional, however, it's unhealthy competition and screams low self-esteem. And Ms. Shriver concurs, basically tells us that this is the a corollary to what is becoming competition to be thin and sexy, even for pre-teens.

Friends are supposed to build you up, right? I'm sure we're going to read more about that in the book. Looking forward to it.

Linda Freedman, PhD, LCSW, LMFT

Rape Case Revisited

It doesn't happen very often, and doesn't prove innocence or guilt, but every once in awhile a rape case is reopened.

When it is a professional athlete who has been accused of rape, as is common for most legal matters, it is the client with the more convincing (more expensive) legal representation who will have his or her day in court. Meaning win. Ditto for world-renowned politicians, political activists, and celebrities.

The latest is WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, accused by a Swedish woman of rape. Now the charges are revisited, ostensibly as a smear campaign. The United States military, the brass at the Pentagon, surely many voters, are seething that WikiLeaks posts tens of thousands of military secrets on the Internet, communications about the war Afghanistan, government secrets. And WikiLeaks isn't finished. More secrets to come.

The chief prosecutor of the rape case in Stockholm, Eva Finne, dismissed Assange last week. But Director of Public Prosecution Marianne Ny has reopened it saying there is new information. Reversals are not uncommon in Sweden in the case of sex crimes according to journalist Malin Rising at Yahoo.

Why that's the case in Sweden and not here, in the United States, is one good question. In a country thought to be more liberal, one might think that it would be the opposite.

Claes Borgstrom, the lawyer who represents the woman who accuses Assange, delighted that the case is reopened, claims that his client has been dragged through the mud online for having made up things to frame Assange. Her life will never be the same, most likely.

Another question of course, is why anyone would do that, make themselves the subject of public scrutiny and ridicule as the victim of a rape. Most women, if not nearly all women, run from such a thing, community tongues wagging. Blaming the victim is still a myth gingerly tossed about--

She wanted it
She deserved it
She shouldn't have put herself in that position

In this case it is the entire international community talking about the victim, gossiping about her.

Not to accuse anyone, but the common thinking in the therapeutic community is that nobody wants that kind of press.

Linda Freedman, PhD, LCSW, LMFT