What Dating-Defense Means

It's often said that teenagers "suffer" from the rush of hormones that course through them during adolescence. Suffering isn't exactly the right word. Wanting to connect with others is innate-- we're human, after all-- at all ages, social animals.

At birth we need to be held. It's not a need we should lose, particularly.

The suffering is often in relationships, the "joy" beginning with difficult parents or sibs, people who don't feel the need to explain their behavior, who often repeat what happened to them. Not every family is dysfunctional but many are, and you don't need for someone in the family to have an addiction to make home a difficult place to be.

And sometimes it's almost impossible to choose friends who make our lives miserable; who are difficult and manipulative, but attractive for some reason. Like members of the family, they might be coping in their way with depression, or anxiety, their own versions of insecure, and in their struggle, aren't always terribly nice. Emotional bullying isn't a new thing. Where there are kids, there are power struggles.

It is the personality disorders, actually, that tend to confuse kids and adults the most. We don't recognize real pathology readily, don't diagnose others as "borderline" or "hysterical" or "schizoid" for example, but they can be, and it isn't fun being them. And they don't treat us well, not usually. Having a "bad personality" is more than making inappropriate comments. Comments are surely part of it, though.

Unless you've taken a fair amount of psychology (or social work) classes, or live with a mental health professional, a person is likely to be clueless when it comes to such things-- personality disorders, insecurities. Personality development is very complicated.

But a good workshop can take some of the mystery out of the equation. Ask about Teacher's Institute relationship-safety workshops. You can find more information at Education-wise, Relationship-wise Inc, or call 888-761-7610.

Linda Freedman, PhD, LCSW, LMFT