Why Parents Don't Sleep at Night

Parents don't sleep for a thousand reasons, but one of them is worrying about their children, especially the older ones, the teenagers. They're old enough to go out and have a good time with friends, they drive, they feel on top of the world, omnipotent. They're kids, after all, and don't worry much about safety. So we worry for them.

And there are surely codes, friendship codes, that prohibit, put a damper on intimacy in the family, where it's so, so needed. "Do NOT tell your parents! I told you that in confidence!" is the rule. Parents are the last people to know, sometimes, when a young person is depressed, or angry, certainly when a kid is about to begin sexual relationships.

And when adults do try to warn about catastrophic things like rape, for example, they do it wrong. They don't tell their kids that 90% of all forced sexual relationships are between acquaintances, people who know one another. They blather on about disease, which is good, but not enough.

And they don't talk about jealousy, emotional blackmail, suicide, relationship abuse, the types and the psychological markers.

So where are kids supposed to learn about these things?

The obvious place to teach them is where they congregate, where they're captive audiences. A good dating safety workshop is captivating. There's nothing dry about heart-break or feeling unpopular.

Schools should be the starting place, and parents should keep pecking away, not avoid their kids because they think their children tune them out. If we teach them about relationships, the types of things they might also pick up in couples counseling or family therapy eventually, maybe we can prevent a few disasters, a few bad marriages, even.

It's not just common sense. If it was, relationship therapists (we're mental health professionals, treat the individual casualties) wouldn't be so busy, wouldn't have waiting lists.

Call it crisis prevention to justify it in the budget if you must. But put it on the school calendar, somehow. Then maybe parents will get a better night's sleep.


Linda Freedman, PhD, LCSW, LMFT