New Jersey Principal Calls for Middle School Social Networking Ban

Someone's awake!

And he's the principal of Benjamin Franklin Middle School in Ridgewood, New Jersey.
Tony Orsini has requested parents to keep computers out of their kids' bedrooms. That's where predators can forge relationships with unsuspecting, naive little kids.

He's discouraging social networking, too.

Why? Predators troll social network sites for kids who don't worry about tight privacy settings. Kids are also vulnerable to cyber-bullying from not only peers, but total strangers who blackmail them for porn. Mr. Orsini tells only the half of it:

If one or two kids, and they don't have to even be from our town, say something bad about what you look like, or make fun of the way that you dress, or your sexuality, that stuff can't come back, and for an 11-year old, or a 12-year old, that's devastating. And they're just too young..

Mr. Orsisi wants Facebook and other social networking sites like Formspring, banned from his school. He thinks the risk is far too great.

The kids have mixed feelings. Many think the focus should be on education, not draconian measures like these.

But that only means they haven't had a decent workshop on the subject.

Linda Freedman, LCSW, LMFT, PhD

The Reputation Doctors and Aftershave

Mike Paul has my vote. Dennis Ross and Jonathan Bernstein are surely close in the race.

At Freep.com and in the Pittsburgh Review Tribune we read that the Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger,

issued a three-paragraph, 119-word statement. . . briefer than his 74-second, mulleted mea culpa before the cameras a few weeks ago. . . after a Georgia prosecutor declined to charge him in connection with a college student's rape accusation.

Dennis Ross III, president of Ross Crisis Management in Atlanta, said Roethlisberger's statement "did not do any harm, which in his case and what he's been dealing with, is actually a plus." Indeed, the apology is his apology, not a canned speech, according to Mr. Ross.

As you probably know, Mr. Roethlisberger has been suspended by the National Football League for a few games. No small deal, a few games, when you're the star quarterback. The suspension is for violating the team's personal conduct policy.

The courts have a notoriously difficult time convicting athletes of rape, even attempted rape. The juries are not in favor or vilifying heroes. And professional athletes have the financial muscle to hire the very best in defense. So most victims give up.

The news is that Mr. Roethlisberger is not going to appeal the penalty and is going to

"comply with what is asked of me — and more."

Bob Cohn reports that he says he won't put himself in this situation again.

Sounds good to me. And it's hopeful the Steelers will insist he get some therapy for himself, not just for his reputation. You would think.

Crisis managers Jonathan Bernstein, and Mike Paul (the Reputation Doctor) don't think that a few pat lines to the public about remorse are good enough. Anyone can recite an canned apology to the fans. And they're right, of course. Talk is cheap.

We have all kinds of platitudes like that, talk is cheap, in the English lexicon. He talks the talk, doesn't walk the walk. Some of this language comes from addictions, the 12-step programs. Recovery programs and therapy are all about this, walking walks. Behaving differently.

So how would one go about really changing? It's much more than changing one's reputation, although that's a start, anything that motivate will do. But real change is so hard.

I'd say it's the beginning of the walk, working on your reputation. We could call it getting up, getting out of bed to walk the walk. The speech in front of the cameras is the aftershave.

Mr. Paul is correct in thinking that changing reputation is about changing self. In therapy we go about this in so many different ways, we can't boil the process down. If there were any one variable that mattered, it would be commitment, probably. The recovery programs are very big on this, commitment, and community, good places to stretch the muscles.

And the recovery programs tend to emphasize the following six elements.

We could call most of them warm-up, if not the walk.

(1) Seriously examining behavior, the harm one has caused, over a life-time

(2) Empathizing with the victims and getting up the courage to apologize with sincerity. This takes about six months, by the way.

(3) Rethinking identity, considering becoming a person who is actually, completely different.

(4) Targeting change behaviors, trying them out, asking others to help.

(5) Making a sincere commitment to working on the changes, establish the framework, the external manifestations of change

(6) Changing inside, leaving the old, less functional behaviors behind because they just don't work anymore.

The change part is what usually gets to people. Most of us find that pretty hard to do, really own that we're a mess, and fix it. It's gotta' take time to change inside and out.

So you can change the reputation, but changing the guy is harder.

Still, I like very much Mike Paul's (the Reputation Doctor) ideas for restoration of public trust. He describes reputation bricks: truth, honesty, humility, transparency, accountability and consistency. Sounds easy, walking that walk, but it's gotta' be the hardest thing you'll ever do.

Relationship-wise, Inc, a training psycho-education initiative, probably should team up with the P.R. people who do the damage control when athletes and movie start, teachers and corporate managers, spin out of control. We all team up, work on damage control and prevention.

Mr. Paul's motto, "Because Your Reputation is Everything" is more than half right.
It's the old adage, Biblical, for sure:A good name is the most important thing you've got.

I would add: Try not to lose it in the first place.

Linda Freedman, PhD

Phoebe Prince--Textbook Bullying

Pic from the Boston Herald
















If you need a poster child for stiff upper lip, Phoebe Prince will do. The 15-year old, new to South Hadley High School, tired of it, however, and hung herself to spare the pain on January 14, 2010. An immigrant, vulnerable, insecure, emotionally challenged (and yet her coping skills, amazing at times), she gave them what they wanted, a dramatic end to the pain.

It was too much. And the most horrifying part of all, she was bullied mercilessly, even after death.

The warning signs were there, English essays about cutting, finding songs to fit each dark mood. And everyone knew she had been harassed by several students, different groups. If you needed a scapegoat for your negativity, Phoebe would suffice at South Hadley.

Why do kids do this, torment one another to death?

There are different profiles. One parallels narcissism, needing attention and getting it for being the best at something, even if the best is the best at sociopathy. Murderers profile, sometimes, with narcissism.

Narcissism doesn't have to be a function of child abuse, but it certainly can be. The kid who is called names as a child learns aggression, learns anger, and imitates, sometimes. Beat down, powerless, he flies to the opposite-- we call this reaction formation-- begins to see himself as special, fabulous, actually, and unappreciated.

So the obvious task is to get recognition, somehow.

There are, of course, the group-thinkers, those who act aggressively because they'll fit in with aggressors if they act aggressively. And we all need a home somewhere. Any group will do. Humans are social creatures.

The typical bully is somewhere in-between, has been emotionally abused, has survived it, and is displacing his negativity (her negativity) on someone less powerful. Sporadically. Not all of the time. Unpredictably. There are people who punch walls, people who kick the dog. People who scare other people.

Not trying to simplify anything here. But is it sick? You bet it is. And it's the stuff of workshops, the stuff that should be taught in schools. We're doing it at Relationship-wise, Inc, making kids smarter. They need attention, they will GET attention. We have to direct that attention in better ways.

Linda Freedman

Sell Ben Roethlisberger?

This is when you know you've hit bottom. Your team wants to sell you.

It's that or your team needs money. Ben Roethlisberger, a star quarterback, is surely worth plenty in dollars and cents to the Pittsburgh Steelers.

But considering his behavior, his relationship with the people who run the show (we call these authority figures in psychotherapy) it's no wonder Mr. Roethlisberger is now on the market. Sometimes even winning isn't worth having an association with someone who might potentially shame an entire city.

I'm sure the Pittsburgh Steelers will be just fine, and what a lesson for younger guys, future professional ball players. I hope they're watching.


Linda Freedman

Evanston Rats

I haven't friended them, but this kind of thing, setting up a Facebook site that is basically there to harass students, perhaps teachers, administrators, is actually against Illinois law. I searched for them on Facebook and apparently they're still up and running.

Here's what NBC Chicago has to say:

The school snitched on the page and filed a police report to protect students.

"We are working with the police and trying to get the site taken down by Facebook officials," he said.

The school issued a stern warning Monday to any student who posts malicious comments on the page. If they commit cyberbullying, the school could suspend students for up to 10 days with chances of expulsion. Administrators could hit the delete key on prom and graduation privileges. Or worse yet, students could face criminal charges.

Illinois' cyberbullying law outlaws creating a Web site or page designed to torment or terrorize a specific person.

Witherspoon said investigators can subpoena the name and IP address of the "Evanston Rats" creator and identify visitors.

"Evanston Rats" has 293 fans, including many students, as of Tuesday morning.

Here's some advice: choose your words carefully or risk ruining the best time of your life.

Source: http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local-beat/Evanston-Township-HS-Rats-Out-Facebook-Page--90733709.html#ixzz0l5r5Wtnk

Very good advice, indeed. But this is exactly the kind of topic that shouldn't get the short shrift, Education-wise. Relationship-wise provides workshops throughout the year about Internet safety, and you bet, cyber-bullying.

And by the way. You should know that you're supposed to grow out of this phase by high school. There are all kinds of reasons that some kids just don't. Those reasons are what we talk about in those workshops. Anything but boring.

Linda Freedman

Sexual Assault and Ben Roethlisberger

Not me, he's saying. I didn't do it.

And the student who accused him has given up, sees a drawn-out court battle against a powerful adversary that's just not worth it. The truth is that most sexual assault victims lose in court when the perpetrator is a professional athlete. We love our teams, our heroes.

Ben Roethlisberger, the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback, followed a 20-year-old college coed into a nightclub bathroom only to find that she didn't want sex after all.

In Georgia (as in most states) , to prosecute sexual assault, force must be evident-- beyond a reasonable doubt. Fred Bright, the Ocmulgee Circuit District Attorney, concluded

the overall circumstances do not lead to a viable prosecution. If they did, I would be pursuing it vigorously. . .We do not prosecute morals. We prosecute crimes.

The Yahoo story asserts that on March 5, after a night of bar-hopping in Milledgeville, Georgia, Roethlisberger was out drinking with friends to celebrate his 28th birthday. He bumped into the student and her friends throughout the night and eventually bought them drinks.

As the night wore on, the student walked down a dingy hallway to a small bathroom, and Roethlisberger soon followed. What happened next remained unclear even after a monthlong investigation.

The student told police she had been sexually assaulted, but the medical results were less clear. A doctor who examined her at a nearby emergency room discovered a cut, bruises and vaginal bleeding but could not say if she was raped. And while some DNA was found, there was not enough to determine whom it belonged to. . .

Mr. Roethlisberger's name has been associated previously with rape allegations, also denied, at a Lake Tahoe hotel. But this isn't an unusual story. Pro athletes, college athletes, even high school athletes are adored by loving fans. Some women consider having an athlete as a sexual partner to be real status. Others, "groupies" or "freaks" seek multiple liaisons, any athlete will do. But they are a small club.

Even among this star-gazing culture, nobody seeks rape or sexual assault.

Worshiping the men and women who win the games is universal, one of the few cultural characteristics that is universal, like a smile. Internationally, those who excel at their sport are a pride to their cities, their countries. They have special status, high incomes, and perks that most of us can only dream about, fancy cars, gourmet food, unlimited expense accounts, penthouse suites, and sure, beautiful women, handsome men trailing after them.

And all they have to do is play the game, follow the rules, do what they can to make the home town cheer.

That wouldn't include violent sexual assault.

So how does it happen, and why?

There's a disconnect for some people, an empathy deficit. That it hurts, rape, should be obvious, but it isn't obvious, apparently, not obvious enough. And sex, like eating, is an appetite. Some people don't eat with good manners, and likewise, some don't sex with good manners.

Relationship skills, how to eat, how to love, are usually taught in a family context. When the team is your family, when you've left home or never learned your manners growing up, then it is up to the team to make sure that you behave.

Reading on at Yahoo

Team president Art Rooney II, known to be frustrated and exasperated with Roethlisberger's lack of maturity and judgment, said the quarterback must win back the respect and trust of his teammates and his city.

"During the past few weeks, I have met with Ben on a number of occasions, not only to discuss this incident, but also to discuss his commitment to making sure this never happens again," Rooney said in a statement.

Consider a little professional intervention here, Mr. Rooney.

Like using the power of your team.

Linda Freedman

Text Rage: Josie Ratley and Wayne Treasy

It's just communication, texting, another way of telling someone something.

When Josie Ratley texted Wayne Treasy, following the suicide of Wayne's brother, Wayne snapped according to an NBC Today Show interview with Wayne's parents.

He nearly beat Josie to death.

Here's what CBS reported on March 24,

One week ago, Ratley, 15, was waiting for her school bus after school when BSO investigators say 15-year-old Wayne Treacy attacked her without warning. Authorities say the attack was triggered by a text message dispute. BSO investigators say he got enraged over a text message concerning the recent suicide of his older brother.

Treacy is accused of punching and stomping on the girl with steel-toed boots. He's being held in a juvenile detention center on a charge of premeditated attempted murder.

A 13-year-old girl was also arrested as an accessory to the attack because prosecutors say she knew Treacy intended to hurt Ratley and did nothing to stop him. She even pointed her out to him when he arrived at the school, said BSO.

What this means to those of us concerned about teen violence and the viral spread of rumor via electronic communication, is that when something bad happens, a suicide, for example, siblings, parents, even friends, are at risk.

People do snap.

And teenagers, anxious to be accepted, keep secrets.

Why do they snap?

Modeling by parents is most often cited, as is a predisposition to arousal. Anger management is recognized as a process, not a program, one that doesn't yield immediate results. Therapists know that various diagnoses and vulnerabilities predict events like Josey's beating.

Regardless of the reasons, clearly when the warning signs flicker, trouble will follow. Could this have been prevented?

100%

Linda Freedman

You can find the video on NBC Today.

Prevention initiatives? See Relationship-wise.com, Education-Wise Division.