Phoebe Prince--Textbook Bullying

Pic from the Boston Herald
















If you need a poster child for stiff upper lip, Phoebe Prince will do. The 15-year old, new to South Hadley High School, tired of it, however, and hung herself to spare the pain on January 14, 2010. An immigrant, vulnerable, insecure, emotionally challenged (and yet her coping skills, amazing at times), she gave them what they wanted, a dramatic end to the pain.

It was too much. And the most horrifying part of all, she was bullied mercilessly, even after death.

The warning signs were there, English essays about cutting, finding songs to fit each dark mood. And everyone knew she had been harassed by several students, different groups. If you needed a scapegoat for your negativity, Phoebe would suffice at South Hadley.

Why do kids do this, torment one another to death?

There are different profiles. One parallels narcissism, needing attention and getting it for being the best at something, even if the best is the best at sociopathy. Murderers profile, sometimes, with narcissism.

Narcissism doesn't have to be a function of child abuse, but it certainly can be. The kid who is called names as a child learns aggression, learns anger, and imitates, sometimes. Beat down, powerless, he flies to the opposite-- we call this reaction formation-- begins to see himself as special, fabulous, actually, and unappreciated.

So the obvious task is to get recognition, somehow.

There are, of course, the group-thinkers, those who act aggressively because they'll fit in with aggressors if they act aggressively. And we all need a home somewhere. Any group will do. Humans are social creatures.

The typical bully is somewhere in-between, has been emotionally abused, has survived it, and is displacing his negativity (her negativity) on someone less powerful. Sporadically. Not all of the time. Unpredictably. There are people who punch walls, people who kick the dog. People who scare other people.

Not trying to simplify anything here. But is it sick? You bet it is. And it's the stuff of workshops, the stuff that should be taught in schools. We're doing it at Relationship-wise, Inc, making kids smarter. They need attention, they will GET attention. We have to direct that attention in better ways.

Linda Freedman