Another Innocent

We're all innocent until proven guilty, even if acquaintance rape does seem to be an occupational hazard in athletics. But pro ball players are our role models, not your average Joes. We'd rather not hear about stories like this, rather not have to see them on the defensive.

The story:

A pimp sends a 16 year-old girl to visit a football player in a hotel room, an ex-Giant. An older woman who has accompanied the girl with the pimp in the car, maintains that the girl never had sex with the football player. Lawrence Taylor did give her money, yes, but the teenager returned to the car, the one with the pimp and the informant, to say,

"It was weird ... we didn't even have sex."

Not so hard to believe, but not so easy either. For the girl tells us she was raped.

So this will be another case of a pro on the defensive, and a person who manages an under-aged girl for sex is also, we assume, under investigation.

The lesson:

Sixteen, and younger, is rape bait. A thinking adult male who values his career and family life, his reputation, should not invite an under-aged teenager to his hotel room. Prostitution is illegal to protect kids, primarily, from rape. Age is one of the ways we define rape.

Even if a minor wants sex, consents fully, is sober, even signs a legal document! If the person she is consorting with is an adult, it is technically rape.

So who to believe? Did they do a rape-kit? To prove rape you need to show force (except with kids), DNA, and proof that there was sex. When a victim goes to an emergency room or to the police, it is law in most of the 50 states to administer a rape kit. We'll find out in the coming weeks what happened with that.

We still need to educate professional athletes, our role models.
We could teach them, for example:

If you're paying for friends, make them adult friends. Why an athlete needs to hire a teenage friend is something to wonder about, since everyone wants to be friends with a pro. But even pros can be socially phobic, may have difficulty socializing. People have their reasons. And escorts stay under the radar, aren't likely to brag.

So we have to teach them that sex, if it's ever construed as rape, is not about bragging, it's about hurting. Unless a person has been raped, it may be hard to empathize with that. But the statistics on acquaintance rape for women and men are high. One in three for women, one in nine for men.

To be a role model, then, our professionals might begin with no under-aged escorts in hotels, no sex in the restrooms at the bar, either. If you do this, let teenagers into your rooms, it's very hard for most jaded individuals, and who isn't jaded anymore, to think that nothing has happened between you.

The weirdest thing, she says. For sure.

Defense-wise

NFL Anonymous

Anonymous Athlete, a new column in the New York Daily News, promises to bring out the secret lives of athletes.

It's not that we're voyeurs. Actually, it is that we're voyeurs. It's a miracle this isn't a reality TV show, yet, but it will be. And that will take the word, anonymous out of the 12-Step programs, which is bad, but okay. Anything to disseminate healthy changes, and athletes in 12-Step programs are modeling healthy changes.

The addictions programs based upon the 12-Steps emphasize anonymity because when you're anonymous, you feel more free to talk. And it's the talking that heals, having people.

I.M. Anonymous at the Daily News writes:

It’s only for a few months, because while the NFL is hard on guys like Brian Cushing (Houston Texans linebacker and reigning Defensive Rookie of the Year recently tested positive for a banned substance and will miss four games this season), it’s easy on players who use street drugs.

Players are tested at random for performance enhancing drugs, but only once a year, in the spring, for street drugs.

While the NFL is chasing down those PED “cheaters,” the real losers only need to cut back on drug use for about two months, in May and June. We’re warned at the very first meeting of May minicamp/OTAs by the head athletic trainer: “Annuals are this week …

In other words, they have advance warning so it's easy to stop the drug abuse in time for testing. Straighten up for two months, ditch your marijuana, your cocaine, and you're good.

Like that's so easy. At least they're good for now.

Defense-wise

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar on Entitlement

Above: At the White House in 2006.

One of the things we associate with sexual assault is entitlement, people thinking they can have what they want. No need for permission. You're just supposed to get it. No need to ask, not if you really are special. And you get to feeling special if people lavish you with attention and prizes, wealth. Success doesn't go to everyone's head, of course, but it's certainly a toxic variable for some. We see a sense of entitlement associated with athletes accused of acquaintance rape.

Those who feel entitled take liberties in relationships, not just athletes, too. People who are married rape their spouses and until relatively recently, thought they were entitled. The king of the castle.

Being a professional athlete is like being a king. They're treated like royalty.

So we're thrilled, amazed, and hopeful that young people are paying attention to the subtext of what Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is saying. The subtext is:

You're not entitled to anything vis-a-vis relationships. You can't take what you want, you can't act aggressively off the court, and you surely need permission for sex.

That's my interpretation. If he said it, it's not in the article.

What he did say, however, is that there’s a disturbing sense of entitlement among many of today’s young pros.

And more: kids shouldn't expect huge salaries and the NBA should raise its minimum age for entry into the league to 21.

He's telling young people, young athletes, that they should finish college. Get an education. Pursue your dreams but don’t let your education suffer.

This in NYC, home of Boys Town, founded by the Rev. Edward Flanagan. Get it in the curriculum, Reverend, and please, please, please. Have someone discuss the laws about informed consent in sexual relationships..

The more professionals who preach the anti-entitlement message, the more professional future professional athletes will be.

Thanks Kareem.

Defense-wise

Dwyane Wade

What makes anyone tolerate abuse? Usually prior years of abuse. If you live in an abusive family, then you don't know, haven't been taught as a child, to leave. The message is really the opposite, that abuse is normal and a person should stay, that it is deserved.

I once talked to a woman who told me that her spouse beat her to a pulp, dropped her with their son off at an emergency room, and left them. She walked home, carrying the child, didn't admit herself to the hospital. She didn't want to get the man who beat her into trouble. She must have had nowhere to go. But that's another story. These days, there is always somewhere to go, and the beginning is, the ER.

The more experience with it, pain, the more you get used to it. But Siohvaughn Wade (the professional basketball player's wife) if her story is true, isn't waiting until the damage is irreparable to her self-esteem, her life. She knows that it's co-dependent to stay, that it's not good to get used to it.

It really is illegal for people to beat on one another in this country. Maybe you can get away with slapping your kid on the bottom, but he'll call 911. So why even bother with that?

Did Dwyane Wade behave like an animal? Innocent until proven guilty. He's going through a nasty divorce and anything goes in these. The story in the Chicago Sun Times:

Siohvaughn Wade filed a lawsuit Tuesday accusing Dwyane Wade of abuse, including picking her up and throwing her to the ground while she was pregnant.

In a February 2010 outburst, Dwyane Wade allegedly called their crying 8-year-old son a "m-----------'' and said "Didn't I tell you men don't f------ cry, man the f--- up," according to the lawsuit.

Attached to the lawsuit is a March application for a restraining order, sparked --she claims in the documents -- by a recent fight between the Wades that triggered a panic attack.

Abuse makes us anxious. We get panic attacks when we're afraid. And her kids, if any of this is true, are going to be more susceptible to panic attacks and post-traumatic stress, too.

Bad PR, true or not, for the Miami Heat. We can only hope she made it up, but most people don't, is the truth. Intimate partner violence is another way to discharge bad feelings. In the wrong place at the wrong time, at home.

It's like kicking the dog, domestic abuse, after a hard day at work. Anger management is easy for those who were forced to control it as children, but so many of us never learned it. And if you grow up with violence, either at home or on the streets, you learn it's okay to whack one another. Okay to behave like an animal.

I think it's even harder for athletes than the rest of us, because competition is aggression. It's hard to turn it off. But you guys are our heroes, you're examples to our kids. You have to be especially good role models.

A devout Christian, Mr. Wade chose the number 3 for his jersey to represent the trinity. And he has two sons, Zaire Blessing Dwyane, and Zion Malachi Airamis, so he knows he has to be a role model. And he gives plenty of charity.

Tell us it's not so, Dwyane. And if it is, find a way to tell your boys you were wrong, and they should never behave this way.

Linda Freedman, PhD

Dallas Braden's Perfect Game

We could say he did it for his Mom. The photo above is his grandmother, Peggy Lindsey, who watched the Oakland A's starter breeze past the Tampa Bay Rays on Mother's Day.

His mom, Peggy's daughter, passed away from cancer when he was a senior in high school.

Some kids do their best to forget, to move on. They don't even talk about their losses. Dallas pitches a perfect game. He did it for her, of course, pitched what is only the 19th perfect game in major league baseball history.

This is healthy grieving, doing something in memory of someone who has passed away. That's what Mother's Day has to be about, sometimes. That's being a great role model for kids and adults.

Defense-wise

University of Virginia: Alcohol and Lacrosse:

Let's not be surprised that 8 out of 41 players on the roster of the University of Virginia lacrosse team have a history of trouble with the law-- and it's all about alcohol.

If you've ever treated athletes, you know that they work hard, or they should, and they play hard, which they shouldn't. And if you're talking young athletes, the play can be really reckless. We wise up as we age, most of us.

But athletes, like everyone else, cure their social anxiety and their awkwardness with America's favorite drug. They say they're partying, but it's more than that. To give an athlete the benefit of the doubt, we might suggest that competition raises anxiety, and anxiety raises the number of Saluts, Cheers, and L'chaims!

And drinking, let's face it, is culturally sanctioned, for the most part, and the legal age a very hard law to enforce.

George Huguely is among the players at U-Va who had previous alcohol-related offenses while enrolled in school. He's accused of murdering Yeardley Love, who broke up with him a couple of weeks ago. Huguely is reported to have been pulled off of Ms. Love in an altercation at a party only two months ago.

He allegedly shook her, banged her head against a wall repeatedly until she died on May 3, 2010.

None of the other guys on the team did anything to compare to it. Their arrests are not as exciting:

underage alcohol possession,
fake ID's
and DUI's

If you drink enough, you don't know what you're capable of, really.

Could we diagnose Mr. Huguely based upon the things we hear in the news? He couldn't handle rejection. He had a previous episode with a police officer, so violent he had to be subdued by taser. He swore, spat out vulgarities and racial epithets at the officer.

To be sure we'll hear words like borderline pop up in future news stories. And Borderline Personality Disorder. Narcissistic Personality Disorder, too.

The Washington Post tells us that two players of the eight were found not guilty, while six were convicted or pleaded guilty of these lesser alcohol-related crimes.

So there's some history here of disrespect for drinking laws among athletes, nothing unusual for college students in general. Now that a college athlete who abuses alcohol has implicated himself in a murder, social scientists everywhere are scratching their beards (chins) thinking of every possible variable associated with such a crime.

I'd just go with alcohol, keep it simple.

But there are those jealous, violent tendencies we're hearing about, and you can't just dismiss them. After the incident with the police officer, Huguely

received a 60-day suspended sentence, six months' supervised probation and a fine, according to court records. He was ordered to complete 50 hours of community service and 20 hours of substance abuse education, which he finished in July, the records show.

He needed therapy, too. Had he known more about handling rejection, abandonment, he might not have lost control. Had he been flagged for "instability", challenged about his "flare ups", had he been forced into therapy, and sure, anger management, Yeardley Love would be alive today.

Monday morning quarterback.

If you learn anger management but don't cut out the alcohol, and you have an anger management problem, mysteriously, no matter how good the anger management course, you still won't get a grip. And if you only go after the alcohol, if that's all you treat, if you're an angry alcoholic you'll be an angry dry drunk, with no personality change.

The police want to know whether officials knew about the team's "hard party" reputation, or Huguely's earlier arrest for a drunken, violent confrontation with a female police officer. University President John T. Casteen III knew nothing about the encounter, and tells us that officials at the school will now check students against public records each semester.

We're also told that Athletic Director Craig Littlepage affirms that when the school is made aware that an athlete has had trouble with police, that matters are handled according to "long-standing policies."

Perhaps reexamine those.

Many schools have programs now, usually that first week of school, during orientation, to educate kids, disseminate policies. They show cool movies about alcohol overdoses and rape. They're pretty good, too. I've seen them. They should be mandatory.

Words like expulsion need to be batted around, but there are softer words, too, we can talk about. But probation and community service don't cut it. Alcohol treatment and therapy, now you're getting somewhere-- with anger management.

Make it a package deal.

It's good that student records will be cross-checked with public records from now on. What they're going to do with the matches, we'll have to wait and see.

Linda Freedman, PhD

Amirmotazedi's Real World

It's not as if you have to sign a consent form to have a sexual relationship.

But if you've been drinking and don't want to be accused of rape, or you've been drinking and just can't say no, then informed consent is something to talk about. Informed consent is what the judge is looking for in rape cases. Legal sex, for there is such a thing, has to be consensual. If you're under the influence, there can be shades of gray.

Informed consent implies sobriety for contracts, too. A person is less informed as the blook levels get higher, is the thinking. We miss details when we're drunk, and we're easily influenced. Our inhibitions, our rational selves, go bye bye.

That or we forget the information right away. Or we might not care. Caring is key to avoid regret, guilt, anger, and humiliation.

It isn't that surprising that reality television has its share of regretful participants, people who signed away consent, liability waivers, before the cameras started to roll. But most people don't sue. One woman, however, in a recent episode of MTV's "The Real World" is suing producers for $5 million.

She's saying that she was plied with alcohol and ridiculed when she refused to have sex with one of the show's cast members.

Golzar Amirmotazedi is suing Viacom, MTV and Bunim/Murray Prods for a number of things, including invasion of privacy and negligent infliction of emotional distress. Apparently she was thrown out of a house in Washington, DC and later portrayed on the show as crazy, emotionally disturbed for not playing along, not having sex.

According to Reuters and Yahoo, online comments called her a "crack whore" and Andrew's "crazy stalker chick."

Bullying everywhere!

But not so crazy, refusing to have sex for reality television.

It's ironic that even if you refuse to have sex, refuse to be raped for television (the show must go on), you can still be raped emotionally, bullied.

Perhaps there is no such thing as privacy if you consent to let the cameras roll. The courts will bat this one around, assuming Ms. Amirmotazedi doesn't settle. She signed liability waivers, claims she was inebriated at the time.

If she proves that, then the floodgates are open. We'll hear more stories like this one.

George Huguely: Innocent Until Proven Guilty

A scandal hit hard at Landon High School in Bethesda, four years ago in April, 2006. The kids worried about their friends who had graduated and played lacrosse for Duke University*. Their old teammates were now accused of gang rape.

The college students, all team players, under-aged at the time, and had partied hard at an off campus residence. They invited a stripper, African American, and allegedly brutally raped her. The boys were subsequently exonerated following an emotional investigation. Race had something to do with it, we understand.

George Huguely, at the time a student at Langdon, told the Washington Post in 2006:

"I sympathize for the team. They've been scrutinized so hard and no one knows what has happened yet. In this country, you're supposed to be innocent until proven guilty. I think that's the way it should be."

George, who now plays lacrosse at the University of Virginia, was arrested for murder this morning.

The Duke case, and others, like one at the University of Notre Dame, brought attention to the rape culture associated with athletes and alcohol-- fraternities and drinking, too, on campus. Now we're talking a whole new level of violence. George Huguely is the prime suspect in the murder of his girlfriend, also a lacrosse player, Yeardly Love.

Surely there can't be an association, not when it comes to our kids, between athleticism and murder! All they want to do is play ball, hopefully win. If they party and they drink, they're in there with your average American collegian.

But maybe the variables that add up to violence on campus, be it rape or murder, include the following:

alcohol
competition
and maybe privilege

Athletes are gifted, they are rewarded. They do feel they have things coming to them. Look at Mike Tyson, Kobe Bryant, Tiger Woods, to name a few.

On campus our athletes are treated like gold. Their dorms are better, they have food allowances, cars, scholarships. And groupies.

Maybe it's time to cut that out, the privilege part. Certainly if we find that privilege means that if you have an argument and you lose, you're driven to kill. It's all hypothetical, of course, that athletes are more driven, more passionate. And the lesson from Duke is clear: Innocent until proven guilty.

Still, it's something to think about, isn't it? Taking the privilege out of college sports? Because we can't take away the competition, and there's no way kids will stop drinking.

But they should do that, too, of course. Drinking been shown, time and time again, to be associated with violence. It disinhibits, you know? And we need those inhibitions, actually, to be civilized.


Linda Freedman, PhD

Allem Halkic: Bullying and Suicide

Thanks to the Wyndham Leader for the photo:
http://wyndham-leader.whereilive.com.au/news/story/teen-death-leaves-void/

There's nothing sadder than this, kids killing themselves. We've talked about Phoebe Prince, who suffered from depression years before she hung herself when she couldn't take the bullying at South Hadley High School. For months peers had called her names-- whore, slut. Those kinds of names.

Now the young man who stalked Allem Halkic (17 at his death by suicide on Feb 5, 2009), Shane Phillip Gerada, 21 has been convicted for bullying via text. According to the Hobson Bay Leader:

The court heard Allem took his life on the West Gate Bridge after receiving the texts, which included threats from Gerada including “I’ll put you in hospital” and “Don’t be surprised if you get hit soon”.

Magistrate Peter Reardon told the court Gerada’s criminal activity did not cause Allem’s death, but it demonstrated the impact threats could have on their victim.

It's probably safe to say that some kids have problems that attract the attention of aggressive kids, kids who act out their problems violently, displace aggression, we say. Victims are targeted as vulnerable. But a kid doesn't need to be depressed first, doesn't need to be vulnerable, to be bullied. Sometimes you're just in the wrong place at the wrong time, strike the wrong chord in the wrong people. And those people can make your life miserable.

What we see, as the research piles up, is that bullying has a devastating effect upon self-esteem, and victims can be very lonely, very despondent. Friends, peers, at any age, are important, but all the more-so in adolescence. Thus the scape-goats are truly at risk.

The Halkics, Allems parents, want to sue the State Government (this crime was in Australia) and VicRoads over claims that they failed to prevent deaths at the West Gate Bridge. You see, Allem's suicide followed a story about a father throwing his 4-year old daughter from the bridge. Allem supposedly asked his father after news broke about the child's murder at the hands of her father,

'Dad was it that easy?'

Then a week later, he took his own life, jumping from the bridge after being bullied on a social networking website.

You could say that kids need more education about bullying and mental health. No?

Linda Freedman

New Jersey Principal Calls for Middle School Social Networking Ban

Someone's awake!

And he's the principal of Benjamin Franklin Middle School in Ridgewood, New Jersey.
Tony Orsini has requested parents to keep computers out of their kids' bedrooms. That's where predators can forge relationships with unsuspecting, naive little kids.

He's discouraging social networking, too.

Why? Predators troll social network sites for kids who don't worry about tight privacy settings. Kids are also vulnerable to cyber-bullying from not only peers, but total strangers who blackmail them for porn. Mr. Orsini tells only the half of it:

If one or two kids, and they don't have to even be from our town, say something bad about what you look like, or make fun of the way that you dress, or your sexuality, that stuff can't come back, and for an 11-year old, or a 12-year old, that's devastating. And they're just too young..

Mr. Orsisi wants Facebook and other social networking sites like Formspring, banned from his school. He thinks the risk is far too great.

The kids have mixed feelings. Many think the focus should be on education, not draconian measures like these.

But that only means they haven't had a decent workshop on the subject.

Linda Freedman, LCSW, LMFT, PhD

The Reputation Doctors and Aftershave

Mike Paul has my vote. Dennis Ross and Jonathan Bernstein are surely close in the race.

At Freep.com and in the Pittsburgh Review Tribune we read that the Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger,

issued a three-paragraph, 119-word statement. . . briefer than his 74-second, mulleted mea culpa before the cameras a few weeks ago. . . after a Georgia prosecutor declined to charge him in connection with a college student's rape accusation.

Dennis Ross III, president of Ross Crisis Management in Atlanta, said Roethlisberger's statement "did not do any harm, which in his case and what he's been dealing with, is actually a plus." Indeed, the apology is his apology, not a canned speech, according to Mr. Ross.

As you probably know, Mr. Roethlisberger has been suspended by the National Football League for a few games. No small deal, a few games, when you're the star quarterback. The suspension is for violating the team's personal conduct policy.

The courts have a notoriously difficult time convicting athletes of rape, even attempted rape. The juries are not in favor or vilifying heroes. And professional athletes have the financial muscle to hire the very best in defense. So most victims give up.

The news is that Mr. Roethlisberger is not going to appeal the penalty and is going to

"comply with what is asked of me — and more."

Bob Cohn reports that he says he won't put himself in this situation again.

Sounds good to me. And it's hopeful the Steelers will insist he get some therapy for himself, not just for his reputation. You would think.

Crisis managers Jonathan Bernstein, and Mike Paul (the Reputation Doctor) don't think that a few pat lines to the public about remorse are good enough. Anyone can recite an canned apology to the fans. And they're right, of course. Talk is cheap.

We have all kinds of platitudes like that, talk is cheap, in the English lexicon. He talks the talk, doesn't walk the walk. Some of this language comes from addictions, the 12-step programs. Recovery programs and therapy are all about this, walking walks. Behaving differently.

So how would one go about really changing? It's much more than changing one's reputation, although that's a start, anything that motivate will do. But real change is so hard.

I'd say it's the beginning of the walk, working on your reputation. We could call it getting up, getting out of bed to walk the walk. The speech in front of the cameras is the aftershave.

Mr. Paul is correct in thinking that changing reputation is about changing self. In therapy we go about this in so many different ways, we can't boil the process down. If there were any one variable that mattered, it would be commitment, probably. The recovery programs are very big on this, commitment, and community, good places to stretch the muscles.

And the recovery programs tend to emphasize the following six elements.

We could call most of them warm-up, if not the walk.

(1) Seriously examining behavior, the harm one has caused, over a life-time

(2) Empathizing with the victims and getting up the courage to apologize with sincerity. This takes about six months, by the way.

(3) Rethinking identity, considering becoming a person who is actually, completely different.

(4) Targeting change behaviors, trying them out, asking others to help.

(5) Making a sincere commitment to working on the changes, establish the framework, the external manifestations of change

(6) Changing inside, leaving the old, less functional behaviors behind because they just don't work anymore.

The change part is what usually gets to people. Most of us find that pretty hard to do, really own that we're a mess, and fix it. It's gotta' take time to change inside and out.

So you can change the reputation, but changing the guy is harder.

Still, I like very much Mike Paul's (the Reputation Doctor) ideas for restoration of public trust. He describes reputation bricks: truth, honesty, humility, transparency, accountability and consistency. Sounds easy, walking that walk, but it's gotta' be the hardest thing you'll ever do.

Relationship-wise, Inc, a training psycho-education initiative, probably should team up with the P.R. people who do the damage control when athletes and movie start, teachers and corporate managers, spin out of control. We all team up, work on damage control and prevention.

Mr. Paul's motto, "Because Your Reputation is Everything" is more than half right.
It's the old adage, Biblical, for sure:A good name is the most important thing you've got.

I would add: Try not to lose it in the first place.

Linda Freedman, PhD

Phoebe Prince--Textbook Bullying

Pic from the Boston Herald
















If you need a poster child for stiff upper lip, Phoebe Prince will do. The 15-year old, new to South Hadley High School, tired of it, however, and hung herself to spare the pain on January 14, 2010. An immigrant, vulnerable, insecure, emotionally challenged (and yet her coping skills, amazing at times), she gave them what they wanted, a dramatic end to the pain.

It was too much. And the most horrifying part of all, she was bullied mercilessly, even after death.

The warning signs were there, English essays about cutting, finding songs to fit each dark mood. And everyone knew she had been harassed by several students, different groups. If you needed a scapegoat for your negativity, Phoebe would suffice at South Hadley.

Why do kids do this, torment one another to death?

There are different profiles. One parallels narcissism, needing attention and getting it for being the best at something, even if the best is the best at sociopathy. Murderers profile, sometimes, with narcissism.

Narcissism doesn't have to be a function of child abuse, but it certainly can be. The kid who is called names as a child learns aggression, learns anger, and imitates, sometimes. Beat down, powerless, he flies to the opposite-- we call this reaction formation-- begins to see himself as special, fabulous, actually, and unappreciated.

So the obvious task is to get recognition, somehow.

There are, of course, the group-thinkers, those who act aggressively because they'll fit in with aggressors if they act aggressively. And we all need a home somewhere. Any group will do. Humans are social creatures.

The typical bully is somewhere in-between, has been emotionally abused, has survived it, and is displacing his negativity (her negativity) on someone less powerful. Sporadically. Not all of the time. Unpredictably. There are people who punch walls, people who kick the dog. People who scare other people.

Not trying to simplify anything here. But is it sick? You bet it is. And it's the stuff of workshops, the stuff that should be taught in schools. We're doing it at Relationship-wise, Inc, making kids smarter. They need attention, they will GET attention. We have to direct that attention in better ways.

Linda Freedman

Sell Ben Roethlisberger?

This is when you know you've hit bottom. Your team wants to sell you.

It's that or your team needs money. Ben Roethlisberger, a star quarterback, is surely worth plenty in dollars and cents to the Pittsburgh Steelers.

But considering his behavior, his relationship with the people who run the show (we call these authority figures in psychotherapy) it's no wonder Mr. Roethlisberger is now on the market. Sometimes even winning isn't worth having an association with someone who might potentially shame an entire city.

I'm sure the Pittsburgh Steelers will be just fine, and what a lesson for younger guys, future professional ball players. I hope they're watching.


Linda Freedman

Evanston Rats

I haven't friended them, but this kind of thing, setting up a Facebook site that is basically there to harass students, perhaps teachers, administrators, is actually against Illinois law. I searched for them on Facebook and apparently they're still up and running.

Here's what NBC Chicago has to say:

The school snitched on the page and filed a police report to protect students.

"We are working with the police and trying to get the site taken down by Facebook officials," he said.

The school issued a stern warning Monday to any student who posts malicious comments on the page. If they commit cyberbullying, the school could suspend students for up to 10 days with chances of expulsion. Administrators could hit the delete key on prom and graduation privileges. Or worse yet, students could face criminal charges.

Illinois' cyberbullying law outlaws creating a Web site or page designed to torment or terrorize a specific person.

Witherspoon said investigators can subpoena the name and IP address of the "Evanston Rats" creator and identify visitors.

"Evanston Rats" has 293 fans, including many students, as of Tuesday morning.

Here's some advice: choose your words carefully or risk ruining the best time of your life.

Source: http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local-beat/Evanston-Township-HS-Rats-Out-Facebook-Page--90733709.html#ixzz0l5r5Wtnk

Very good advice, indeed. But this is exactly the kind of topic that shouldn't get the short shrift, Education-wise. Relationship-wise provides workshops throughout the year about Internet safety, and you bet, cyber-bullying.

And by the way. You should know that you're supposed to grow out of this phase by high school. There are all kinds of reasons that some kids just don't. Those reasons are what we talk about in those workshops. Anything but boring.

Linda Freedman

Sexual Assault and Ben Roethlisberger

Not me, he's saying. I didn't do it.

And the student who accused him has given up, sees a drawn-out court battle against a powerful adversary that's just not worth it. The truth is that most sexual assault victims lose in court when the perpetrator is a professional athlete. We love our teams, our heroes.

Ben Roethlisberger, the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback, followed a 20-year-old college coed into a nightclub bathroom only to find that she didn't want sex after all.

In Georgia (as in most states) , to prosecute sexual assault, force must be evident-- beyond a reasonable doubt. Fred Bright, the Ocmulgee Circuit District Attorney, concluded

the overall circumstances do not lead to a viable prosecution. If they did, I would be pursuing it vigorously. . .We do not prosecute morals. We prosecute crimes.

The Yahoo story asserts that on March 5, after a night of bar-hopping in Milledgeville, Georgia, Roethlisberger was out drinking with friends to celebrate his 28th birthday. He bumped into the student and her friends throughout the night and eventually bought them drinks.

As the night wore on, the student walked down a dingy hallway to a small bathroom, and Roethlisberger soon followed. What happened next remained unclear even after a monthlong investigation.

The student told police she had been sexually assaulted, but the medical results were less clear. A doctor who examined her at a nearby emergency room discovered a cut, bruises and vaginal bleeding but could not say if she was raped. And while some DNA was found, there was not enough to determine whom it belonged to. . .

Mr. Roethlisberger's name has been associated previously with rape allegations, also denied, at a Lake Tahoe hotel. But this isn't an unusual story. Pro athletes, college athletes, even high school athletes are adored by loving fans. Some women consider having an athlete as a sexual partner to be real status. Others, "groupies" or "freaks" seek multiple liaisons, any athlete will do. But they are a small club.

Even among this star-gazing culture, nobody seeks rape or sexual assault.

Worshiping the men and women who win the games is universal, one of the few cultural characteristics that is universal, like a smile. Internationally, those who excel at their sport are a pride to their cities, their countries. They have special status, high incomes, and perks that most of us can only dream about, fancy cars, gourmet food, unlimited expense accounts, penthouse suites, and sure, beautiful women, handsome men trailing after them.

And all they have to do is play the game, follow the rules, do what they can to make the home town cheer.

That wouldn't include violent sexual assault.

So how does it happen, and why?

There's a disconnect for some people, an empathy deficit. That it hurts, rape, should be obvious, but it isn't obvious, apparently, not obvious enough. And sex, like eating, is an appetite. Some people don't eat with good manners, and likewise, some don't sex with good manners.

Relationship skills, how to eat, how to love, are usually taught in a family context. When the team is your family, when you've left home or never learned your manners growing up, then it is up to the team to make sure that you behave.

Reading on at Yahoo

Team president Art Rooney II, known to be frustrated and exasperated with Roethlisberger's lack of maturity and judgment, said the quarterback must win back the respect and trust of his teammates and his city.

"During the past few weeks, I have met with Ben on a number of occasions, not only to discuss this incident, but also to discuss his commitment to making sure this never happens again," Rooney said in a statement.

Consider a little professional intervention here, Mr. Rooney.

Like using the power of your team.

Linda Freedman

Text Rage: Josie Ratley and Wayne Treasy

It's just communication, texting, another way of telling someone something.

When Josie Ratley texted Wayne Treasy, following the suicide of Wayne's brother, Wayne snapped according to an NBC Today Show interview with Wayne's parents.

He nearly beat Josie to death.

Here's what CBS reported on March 24,

One week ago, Ratley, 15, was waiting for her school bus after school when BSO investigators say 15-year-old Wayne Treacy attacked her without warning. Authorities say the attack was triggered by a text message dispute. BSO investigators say he got enraged over a text message concerning the recent suicide of his older brother.

Treacy is accused of punching and stomping on the girl with steel-toed boots. He's being held in a juvenile detention center on a charge of premeditated attempted murder.

A 13-year-old girl was also arrested as an accessory to the attack because prosecutors say she knew Treacy intended to hurt Ratley and did nothing to stop him. She even pointed her out to him when he arrived at the school, said BSO.

What this means to those of us concerned about teen violence and the viral spread of rumor via electronic communication, is that when something bad happens, a suicide, for example, siblings, parents, even friends, are at risk.

People do snap.

And teenagers, anxious to be accepted, keep secrets.

Why do they snap?

Modeling by parents is most often cited, as is a predisposition to arousal. Anger management is recognized as a process, not a program, one that doesn't yield immediate results. Therapists know that various diagnoses and vulnerabilities predict events like Josey's beating.

Regardless of the reasons, clearly when the warning signs flicker, trouble will follow. Could this have been prevented?

100%

Linda Freedman

You can find the video on NBC Today.

Prevention initiatives? See Relationship-wise.com, Education-Wise Division.

Relationship-wise on TV

About sexual harassment:



March 5, 2010 viewed on March 6.

Internet Safety

A person doesn't want to exaggerate a problem, that's for sure, but you can't really underscore the "dangers" on the Internet. All you need is one enemy, one person who doesn't like you, who is angry at you, who is jealous of you, and your life is open season. Fiction becomes reality.

In other words, it's easy to trash people online. So a professional like me is going to tell kids, adults, too, that although it feels good to get attention, to have your name up in lights, 400 friends, your own website, a blog, six tweet accounts. . . be careful what you wish for.

Fame can be a real pain.

danah boyd did her dissertation research on social media and found the following 'truths' about what we put out on the Internet.

Searchability- anyone can find it, whatever it is you put up. Actually, sometimes a person has to do a little digging, but there's a copy somewhere of everything digital. For most of us, it's a 'So what?' We haven't written anything we're ashamed about, or posed without our clothes on. One embarrassing night out, and you really don't know who was taking your picture, and who will want to see it.

Persistence- it doesn’t go away. That's why it's searchable, obviously.

Replicability- any fourth-grader can copy and paste, reproduce anything. Some of us get very good at snagging things for free, in fact. (I personally prefer to take my own photographs or buy them at istockphoto.com

Invisible audience-- we have no idea who's looking at our picture or what we wrote on our blogs.

We have to add to danah's list, dis-inhibition, a function of anonymity. Those who think they're anonymous on the web loosen up, say things they wouldn't ordinarily say. But find me one person who is really anonymous. I dare you. This person doesn't exist.

And we have IP addresses, by the way.

There. You have three slides from a 60 slide powerpoint program on the subject. You think there's nothing to worry about?

I did an Internet Safety workshop last week for high school kids, expect to do many, many more. 'm so glad I got this thing going. Terrified, but glad.


Linda Freedman

Hooters

I've never stepped foot in a Hooters, but I have a pretty good story to tell you about it.

Many years ago, as a marital therapist I saw a couple who had many problems, all we could fix, given much time and much patience, much dedication to the concept that they could be happily married. I'll change all the identifying details so that you know this is not about you or anyone you know.

He used to like the chicken wings, I think, at Hooters. She couldn't step foot in the place.

An educated person, a nurse, and a feminist, she believed that a woman showing off the top half of her body to take orders in a restaurant demeaned herself. She didn't like that he supported a business that enabled that to happen, the objectification of women.

If a woman's identity is basically the table she brings to the table, if she is judged by the size of a certain object of clothing, and admired for that, then she is diminished in every other way, that is who she is. We do this with men, too, judge them by the size of certain parts of their bodies, strong shoulders, you know. This is basically an insult to a person, confuses people about what should be important in maintaining successful relationships. It is not about size, actually, but communication, that makes for a good relationship. Clear, loving communication about what you need, what you want. That's the ticket.

Anyway, my patient told her husband that one day she wanted to have children, and she didn't want the father of her son or daughter to go to places like Hooters. She didn't want her kids to think that it's okay to ogle at women.

He didn't get it. He thinks it is normal, ogling at women. "All the guys do this, on the street, in their cars, at restaurants. And the food, by the way, is great at this place," he tells her.

She says to him, "It's demeaning to these women. They can't get other jobs, that's why they're at Hooters. They didn't have the benefit of an education. They didn't take a course in feminism or psychology. They don't know what is bad for them."

He says, "So it's good that there's a Hooters to hire them."

He misses the point.

The therapist intervenes, directs her spin on this to him.

"Say one day you do have a daughter, and she wants to work at Hooters. Is that okay? Any one of the customers might want to take her out after work, you know, maybe take her away from Hooters altogether. Maybe a customer can find her a better job, maybe one in pictures."

"No WAY!" he cries. "No daughter of mine is going to work there!"

And he stops spending his money at Hooters. Just like that.

Not sure, exactly, where he gets his chicken now.

Linda Freedman

’John Schools’ Try to Change Attitudes About Paid Sex

The CNN headline reads,

Johns Schools try to Change Attitudes
about Paid Sex.

Thank you, thank you, Stephanie Chen for bringing this program to national attention. It's so important, establishing programs to change objectification of women, the slavery, in some sense of the word, of both women and men. Men are clearly the slaves to their attitudes.

This blog, as an initiative of Relationship-Wise and Whys, will be dedicated to safety issues in personal relationships, schools, institutions and organizations, .

I lost my innocence about this topic when hired to develop a rape treatment center, to do the research to establish a need for the center in Chicago for campus rape victims. Desensitizing wasn't hard for me, and won't be hard for you, either. We do have to start young, stop thinking that anything is too "adult" for kids anymore. We can't protect anyone unless we talk about it.

Check out the CNN page about prostitution for more on the re-education of sex attitudes.

Essentially we look at women as people, men, too, not objects of pleasure.

Pleasure in people isn't a bad idea. Professionals just feel it should be within the context of a loving, safe relationship, one that is consensual.

Informed consent, just so you should know, implies that a person is of legal age, and is not under the influence. If you have a sexual relationship and you are not a legal adult, the person you have agreed to have sex with (or not) is at risk of violating a law in your state.

And if you have one of these relationships, and you're high or even just a little tipsy, and you say Yes tonight, but regret it in the morning, then you might be considered a rape victim at any age, even if the "perpetrator" was high, too. For all intents and purposes. We'll be talking about what this means on this blog.

To be raped, molested, violated-- not good for a person. And it's not good, even to pay for sex, not for the purchaser, and not for the person behind the cash register. It does nothing for a guy's self-esteem, buying sex.

Linda Freedman