Brett Favre's Season

In case you aren't a football fan and don't know what's going on, Jenn Sterger, online columnist and sideline personality, accused Brett Favre, now on the Minnesota Vikings, of sexual harassment. She claims he sexted her, harassed her with explicit photos of himself. The NFL just fined Mr. Favre $50,000 because he didn't cooperate during the investigation.

It is still likely that Ms. Sterger will file suit, and others may follow.

The psychological spin here is that Mr. Favre had his worst season ever following the accusations. He threw 19 interceptions against 11 touchdowns finishing the season with a passer rating of 69.9, the lowest of his career. He also suffered numerous injuries.

Some are saying it's his age, but it could be that he's been a little down, too, never dreamed he would be outed for his overtures to women. When a person is depressed, and we're not saying he is, just hypothesizing here, preferring this to the aging theory, but when a person is depressed, putting out an optimal performance is hard. And if the performance is physical, as it is with athletes, coordination can be compromised. We therapists see people become "accident prone" while depressed and forever are saying, Take it easy. Don't try to do so much. Rest a little more.

At its worst, dissociation is a symptom of depression, and can be pretty scary. You don't control your body as well. You feel apart from it, even while inside your head.

So it's possible this happened to Brett Favre. The wrong kind of attention might have brought him down. Not the kind of way to end his career. We're hoping he rises up from this in any case, owns it if it's true, and no matter, comes out against sexting and models stellar social skill for the fans. It's not that hard, really.

Linda Freedman, PhD, LCSW, LMFT

Tyler Clementi's Suicide

Tyler Clementi killed himself. But we could say, if we were honest, that two other people, college kids, pushed him off the bridge.

File this one under diversity education/cyber-bullying/empathy training/and what a waste.

The first time a patient told me about a college roommate who videotaped someone in a residence hall doing something he/she wouldn't have wanted publicized, I was shocked. And it isn't easy to shock a therapist.

The second time, I raised an eyebrow. Similar circumstances, apartment.

The third time it was a high school teacher who had been exposed on the Internet, an angry student caught him swearing at the class. Not the same level of embarrassment, obviously.

But we're all vulnerable. Most of us have dreams of being caught undressed, wake up and say, It was just a dream, a fear dream. Dreams are about fears or wishes. They express our vulnerability.

But there are classes of individuals who are considered to be even more vulnerable than others. Add shame, embarrassment, exposure, humiliation and bullying to a life destined to get used to fighting prejudice, and any sexual minority person might feel life isn't worth living.

Yahoo story:

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. – The parents of a Rutgers University student who killed himself after his roommate allegedly used a webcam to spy on him during a tryst with another man have filed notice that they're considering suing the school.

Joseph and Jane Clementi, parents of Tyler Clementi, filed notice Friday preserving their right to sue. They have to wait six months after the notice to file a lawsuit over their son's death, which became a symbol in a national outcry over the bullying of young gays.

Tyler Clementi, an 18-year-old violinist, only in school a few weeks, jumped off the George Washington bridge.

The suspects left school, are charged with invasion of privacy. There may be charges of bias intimidation.

Is the school really responsible? Probably not. And looking for a settlement won't bring back their son.

We could say that parents have to warn their children, have to prepare them, discuss these things, but the schools should, too. I'm not sure where to start, at what age exactly, but I think diversity education should begin before kids are old enough to use cameras.

Add it to the list. What a waste.

Linda Freedman, PhD

The Sexualization of Teenage Girls

Lea Michele, star of Glee, along with her co-star, Dianna Agron, posed in quasi-pornographic photos for the October issue of GQ magazine. She's supposed to be a high school role model.

We all become acutely aware of our sexuality during puberty. This isn't what sexualization is about. The definition of sexualization, according to the American Psychological Association:

(1) a person’s value comes only from his or her sexual appeal or sexual behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics;

(2) a person is held to a standard that equates physical attractiveness (narrowly defined) with being sexy;

(3) a person is sexually objectified—that is, made into a thing for others’ sexual use, rather than seen as a person with the capacity for independent action and decision making; and/or

(4) sexuality is inappropriately imposed upon a person. (Especially relevant to children).

We therapists tend to see the issues with sex and teenage girls as multivariate, meaning it isn't only one thing, certainly not television that is the problem, when it comes to kids and sex. What we worry about is the trauma associated with sex, the violence, the pain, dysfunctional relationships, pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, rejection, family conflict. Not an exhaustive list, but something to discuss with our teenage children.

And yes, sexualization. Ask a teenage girl if she gets pleasure out of performing certain sex acts that she has told you she does with her boyfriend and she'll look at you like you're crazy. Why would she get pleasure? This is what she's told a girl is supposed to do. Why question that?

One of the workshops we're doing at Relationship-Wise, Inc is educating kids about sex in relationships, and another, timely apparently, is about television. We help them think critically about what they see on TV, and talk about what they watch, discuss how dead-on or how completely off programs can be. We even do this with little children, but on their level.

It's good to think about what you're laughing at, sometimes, at all ages.

The parental complaint about television is that it normalizes sex and violence, two dynamics in our lives that Freud talked about a hundred years ago. Our basic human drives come down to these two: love and aggression, meaning sex and violence. We're supposed to tame them both. We can only imagine what Freud would have said about television grooming teens for sex, feeding the soft porn industry.

The Parent Television Council is on it, is disseminating findings of a new study conducted under the auspices of the APA, the American Psychological Association:

Sexualized Teen Girls: Tinseltown’s New Target--A Study of Teen Female Sexualization in Prime-time TV

. . . mass media messages miscommunicate the true definition of what it means to be female. . . . the message is that their sexuality is their primary identity and most valued commodity.

The findings:

Being underage and female, as opposed to being an adult and female, is associated with more sexual content on television. Older female characters are more likely to have sexual dialogue, but younger female characters portray more sexual behavior.

98% of the sexual incidents on TV involving underage female characters occurred with partners with whom they did not have any form of committed relationship.

Only 5% of the underage female characters communicated any form of dislike for being sexualized. (They don't comprehend what this means).

One or several instances of implied nudity and/or sexual gestures (e.g. suggestive dancing, erotic kissing, erotic touching and/or implied intercourse) were in every onscreen scene that contained sexualized depictions of underage girls.

Conclusion in layman's language

We know from previous research that girls exposed to sexualizing and objectifying media are more likely to experience body dissatisfaction, depression, and lower self-esteem. They look at themselves and think, I'm not pretty enough, not thin enough, not sexy.

It is only a matter of time they'll be talking about breast enhancements.

And "the most powerful medium in the world – television – is exacerbating rather than reversing that trend."

We have work to do.

Linda Freedman, PhD, LCSW, LMFT

AWSM Joins Jets

It is happening, football is changing.

Not the sport, but the players.

In September, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell promised Amy Moritz, president of the Association for Women in Sports Media (AWSM) that the AWSM would be there when the Jets begin to dialogue about female reporters in the locker room.

Ms. Moritz attended a meeting at the Jets' practice facility this week. We're quite sure the attendees were sensitive to gender and biological sex.

Although some might credit feminists for the rise in women in sports and athletic enterprises, a woman need not be a card carrying feminist to want fair treatment, equal treatment on the job. Most women in the workforce, including, we imagine, the women of the AWSM, don't start out wanting to change attitudes. They just want to do their jobs.

Sexual harassment hurts, is the point, and does make it hard to do the job. It hurts in a way that a sport injury (an elbow to the lip, ask President Obama about those) does not. We'll never stop the sports injuries, but verbal abuse? That players can do something about.

Meetings like these can only bode well for sportsmanship, won't hurt anyone's game.

Linda Freedman, PhD, LCSW, LMFT

Tony Parker, Brett Favre, and Gossip

It can't be easy being a professional athlete or a famous actor. Even the smallest details of your marriage, as in who you are texting, sexting become universal gossip. No judge has pounded the gavel, no jury delivered the verdict, consumers of gossip have no idea if the accusations are true, other than spouses leave husbands and the "victims" don't let go of their stories.

Eva Longoria has sent NBA star Tony Parker walking papers, and Jenn Sterger reported Brett Favre to NFL security, lawsuits pending. Journalists, and certainly the blogging community feast on celebrity gossip, and professional athletes are celebrities.

No news, but we expect movie and television stars to

marry and divorce more often,

to live a little on the wild side.

They entertain us acting the part.

We don't need it from our sports heroes. Some of us certainly don't, and our children, especially, need their heroes to bigger than this.

Yesterday's news is that television star, Eva Longoria is leaving San Antonio Spurs guard, Tony Parker. Eva found hundreds of text messages from Erin Barry. Erin is married to Tony's friend and teammate, Brent Barry. The dynamics, how this will affect the future of the team, how teamwork survives that, will be interesting to follow.

Eva, not so ironically, is a Desperate Housewife. This season, her friend, the sexy yet cold Renee, (Vanessa Williams), Lynette's (Felicity Huffman) college friend, has moved to Wisteria lane. Renee has decided to divorce Doug, a professional ball player who has cheated on her one time too many.

Eva Longoria's divorce is likely not life imitating art. We suspect which came first.

The second sexting scandal involves Brett Favre, the Vikings quarterback, in the professional sports hot seat for sending Jenn Sterger, online columnist and television personality, illicit pictures back in 2008. Jenn's television show, Daily Line, has since been canceled, ostensibly due to poor ratings.

Ms. Sterger shared her evidence against Mr. Favre with the New York Jets security chief. Why the security chief? Sexual harassment is a crime, of course. Sending unwanted nude photos, sexting with a cell phone, can be harassment. It makes some people uncomfortable. In this case, the photos were sold by a third party and purchased by Deadspin; Deadspin published them on the Internet.

See, that's the problem. You send an innocent picture, hoping to be romantic, and it is sold, over and over again. We're just making that leap here, that the photos will be sold over and over again. No need, they're online. And worse, you are accused of sexual harassment to boot.

The sexts are the bloody glove, according to Deadspin, meaning irrefutable evidence. Ms. Sterger is still exploring legal remedies.

It's likely that being accused of sexual harassment isn't fun, might even keep Mr. Favre awake at night, perhaps interfere with his game. We hope that the legal remedy against him somehow makes him take back what he did, apologize for upsetting Ms. Sterger-- and for setting a poor example to our country's sports fans. Sexting, just so you should know, is a violation of the NFL's personal-conduct policy. The NFL is not to blame.

We're waiting to see what Tony Parker does to save his marriage, if it is salvageable, which according to the Desperate Housewives script, is unlikely (at least not so far, there's time in the 2010-11 season). One thing's certain, however. Eva Longoria is anything but desperate.

Linda Freedman, PhD, LCSW, LMFT

Teacher-Student Sexual Harassment and Abuse

I've always said that sexual harassment is just a point on a line along the sexual abuse continuum. After all, it's about making someone feel uncomfortable with sexual messages, either verbal or non-verbal. And deliberately making someone feel uncomfortable is abusive. Even if it isn't deliberate, it feels violent.

Sexual harassment can be a comment about how someone dresses, or a discussion of size. Sometimes it is a joke. It can be a gesture or a leer. And it can be blackmail.

Have sex with me or you will not get a raise.

Have sex with me or you will not be promoted.

Have sex with me or you will lose your job.

Have sex with me. I'm telling everyone you did, anyway, and this way you'll get a really good bonus in December.

Have sex with me or that grade will be a C, not an A.

Only teachers can do that, threaten students with lower grades, or failure in a course.

We define it as sexual harassment when someone in a school or at a workplace makes someone else feel uncomfortable using sexual props or threats, comments or any other type of sexual behavior. We shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable at work or at school, which is why our enlightened law makers have made this a federal crime.

Defining sexual harassment is a form of sexual abuse, defines it as basically yet another sex crime. Sure, it sounds less damning, harassment, than the others-- coercion, molestation, attempted rape and rape-- but it still hurts, so why not call it what it is, abuse, or assault? It is bullying.

When a school teacher is in trouble for coercions (coercing a student to have sex), or for molestation, attempted rape, or rape, it is usually because he or she intentionally lured a student into an intimate relationship using flattery and emotional intimacy as bait.

Sometimes it is the student who has lured the teacher, but as professionals, teachers are supposed to know better than to initiate or participate in a sexual relationship with a minor.

So it is the teacher who is responsible for the boundary, in the eyes of the law, not the student. Minors, as works in progress, people still maturing, are off-limits when it comes to sex with adults. It is hard enough for them to make their own choices about these things, we shouldn't be making the sexual ones for them, making them offers that are difficult to refuse.

The effort that is spent making a child feel special, different from the other students so that the child will trust the adult, is called grooming. Children want this sort of attention. We all need it, but when a child receives special attention from a mentor, a teacher, the positive attention feeds the beast, the emptiness, the wholeness of self that hasn't been filled, not yet, not by childhood. Add the impulsiveness of childhood, the omnipotence of adolescence, and the gaps that should have been filled at home beg for fulfillment.

It is called exploitation when an adult poses as a parental guide and is really positioning himself as sexual mentor.

Adolescents, especially, feed into this relationship because they often want to differentiate from their families. Beyond having been neglected (if they were) they want to reject what their parents represent, to become their own person. This is the process of identity formation. Some adolescents have had enough lecturing, ranting from their parents, and are looking for new and different people in their lives to coach them.

There are, unfortunately, people in the teaching profession who wish to fill that job description, who recognize that individuation, look for it, and exploit the need, take little hands and young lives, lead them to sexual relationships if they can. Children of all ages are very sexual, will play out their psychological soft spots with psychological candy. This is why we call kids vulnerable.

To complicate our parsing out of terms, if the goal is to have sex with the student, then positive, seemingly nurturing behaviors that lead to a seduction are really coercive, technically assault, not harassment. Harassment, remember, feels bad. Coercion feels good, although it can be very confusing. But if a teacher is skilled a the art of seduction, then he or she knows how to make the student feel good, not uncomfortable, not harassed. This can start with an email relationship, progress to texting, even sexting, then meetings alone.

Most students don't get it until they find themselves alone with the teacher, in an uncompromising position, perhaps in the teacher's apartment. Alone, soon to be over-powered, this becomes terrifying, traumatic. Sex with a minor is rape, whether or not the student consents, and coercion, attempted rape, is just as bad in the eyes of the law.

And even if the student is ready and willing, minors do not have the right to informed consent, to say they are willing participants. A teenager wanting sex with a teacher doesn't help that teacher's case. It is still statutory rape.

Sexual harassment, on the other hand, isn't a seduction, although the intent may be to coerce a student into sex. Harassment makes the student uncomfortable. It might be a comment on the student's clothes, how a tee shirt fits; or her about the teen's body, how well-developed he or she is for that age.

The teacher might make direct comments about how the student makes her/him feel, might share dreams about the student, erotic dreams or fantasies, with graphic descriptions of these dreams, fantasies. The teacher might share sexual stories or pictures, porn, even suggest that they watch porn together, or that the student write an essay about porn. If words, gestures, suggestions, make a child feel uncomfortable, it is harassment.

Teachers have an inordinate amount of control and can damage young lives, change them irrevocably. They hold real power in ways that no one else can. By virtue of their profession, they can manipulate what students read, literally assign novels that message sex between older men, younger women, or older women, younger men. And the way the teacher interprets it, of course, is the right way.

The power goes beyond merely holding grades over a student's head, the most obvious form of sexual harassment, the one that tends to be the red flag, threatening non-sexual compliance with failure. If a student has been outed as willing, social castigation follows. The damage of the harassment/abuse can follow a student beyond his or her school years.

And might we add that the lessons of this relationship influence values, the communication that love conquers all, that age, station in life, should not matter.

Could I give you specific examples of sexual harassment? Sure. But it isn't necessary, you get it.
Same with coercion, molestation, sexual assault and rape, the other sex crimes. We don't need pictures, videos to understand these relationship processes.

Our imaginations ache when we associate them with a teacher/student relationship.
That's why they are crimes.

Linda Freedman, PhD, LCSW, LMFT

Bishop Long and Spiritual Authority

It could be any ministry, really, or any clergy-person of any fold; any teacher, for that matter any mentor, or family friend; any advisor, psychologist or social worker, doctor or dentist-- supervisor at work--

pastor, bishop, rabbi, "friend"

any older person, usually older, who has authority, who by virtue of position, owner of the unquestionable last word, one in a position of leadership (especially by consensus or community charge), any older person, really, who has psychological power, who knows more or can persuade, make suggestions in a hypnotic, reputable way; or coerces in a threatening fashion, who takes advantage of a younger person's innocence or fear;

anyone who has the respect of someone else who is naive and impressionable, sometimes a much younger, mentally younger person, one who cannot see, cannot fathom, who does not want to see, sexually coercive intentions of another, a man or a woman (women do this, too) in authority or a position of psychological power.

This time it is a spiritual person, a member of the cloth, who is accused of the sexual abuse of young men who participated in a church program for 13-18 year olds to learn financial and sexual responsibility, ironically, a masculine mentoring initiative. Real men are respectful, I imagine is the point, and self-disciplined.

CNN

The Yahoo story

Bishop Eddie Long's response to his congregants.

So this time it is a Bishop, and as such, one of the crimes he is alleged to have committed is taking advantage of his spiritual authority. These things happen, of course, in other venues. The same thing happens when a teacher surreptitiously makes a student feel like a special friend, only to initiate a seduction at an opportune moment, or a boss, or a supervisor, with an employee who wants desperately to please.

The law, when we talk about abuse, is all about consent, the age for consent, and it seems that those filing complaints against the Bishop may technically have been adults at the time of the alleged seductions.

Sexual assault, on the other hand, as opposed to sexual abuse, is a lawful charge in which age is immaterial.

So you should know, those of you who think, ah, the lad or lassie is of age, twice.

We have laws against this sort of thing and no longer are churches protecting their shepherds. We just have to educate the kids, is the truth, and their parents-- teach them to recognize the warning signs. Because they're there.

Linda Freedman, PhD, LCSW, LMFT

Then and Now: Cheryl Raye-Stout and Ines Sainz

Veteran sports reporter Cheryl Raye-Stout, the first female reporter ever to step into the locker room at Soldier Field, home of the Chicago Bears, is now a teacher at Columbia College. Even then, when she took that first step back 1985 as a young female sports journalist (WMAQ radio), players jeered at her. The mayhem rose to the degree that Ms. Raye-Stout was briskly escorted out.

She stayed out for a number of years until a rookie put a stop to it. Today, in an interview with Alison Cuddy and Chicago Sky forward Shameka Christon, Ms. Raye-Stout fast-forwards to what happened last week in the New York Jets locker room. She points a finger to the new media-- bloggers and flash journalists-- who don't know the rules of the game, who measured player biceps at the Super Bowl last year, a set up for last week's debacle.

On WBEZ 848 show,the veteran (so marvelously politically incorrect) suggests, that Ines Sainz should not dress so provocatively in the locker room. She tells us that journalists are professionals. They know that the story isn't about them. Why, she implies, use cleavage to draw attention away from the story? She quotes the journalistic bible, perhaps mother's milk at Northwestern:

You don't want to be the story. You want to get the story.

Very much like the professional training I had as a young sex therapist in 1981 -- flashback to Loyola University Medical School, the Sex Therapy Clinic in Maywood, Illinois.

Domeena Renshaw, MD who has mentored thousands of sex and marital therapists over the years, emphasized, no, insisted (1) that her interns dress modestly, and (2) that we make a conscious effort to avoid any semblance of seductive behavior with our patients.

But that was 1981, probably about the time that Cheryl Raye-Stout jump-started her own career, like I did mine. Both of us have done well following that prime directive--

It's not about you, just get the history, don't let it be about you, let them talk.

Does this mean that Ms. Sainz needs to find a personal shopper with less style? Of course not! If someone wants to harass someone else it won't matter what that person is wearing. What it means is that Cheryl Raye-Stout, whether she knew it or not, somehow communicated--

Don't even think about it, let's just talk. Let's just talk about the game.

Of course she was harassed plenty over the years, and she admits it. But she didn't let it bother her. She wanted to do the job.

It was all about the game.

Has the world changed?

100%. It sure has. As a society sexual harassment isn't tolerated, indeed it is illegal in the work place. And there are so many women who would follow athletes home if they could that it is difficult for male athletes to know sometimes, Is she for real? Is she looking at me? Gosh she's . . . Then the remarks begin and the gestures. And this can be considered harassment.

Ines Sainz, by the way, in an interview with CNN's Joy Behar, can't say enough about how she tried to ignore them, how she tried to get the story. She tried to keep her cool, she repeats, to focus on the job. But it bothered her. Their crass, boorish behavior bothered her.

The resolution, as it should be in an enlightened society (see Amy Moritz' statement for the Association for Women in Sports Media) is clearly education.

The players need sensitivity training across the board. For sure. In fact everyone should learn in school about sexual communication, the consequences of words, suggestions, unintentional verbal assault.

And when it comes to the media, the uninvited humans in the locker room, the ones with the microphones, the athletes, the players need to know, above all, that female reporters, like male reporters, are there for the story. It's all about the story. At least, it should be.

Linda Freedman, PhD, LCSW, LMFT

A Commissioner with a Heart: Roger Goodell

Last week the unimaginable happened; what we in academia, law-enforcement and even human rights might consider a watershed, a milestone for sociological advancement.

It is all due to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and his ground-breaking ruling, one that will affect, we hope, all athletics. Mr. Goodell likely has no idea how big this is, how many of us have been waiting for someone like him to take the initiative.

Sensitive to workplace sexual harassment, Mr. Goodell has ruled that it is more important to educate players than it is to impose meaningless fines. Football players can easily pay fines. Ah, but an education. . . priceless.

It is a big deal because athletes are role models. They are the future mindset of a generation, meaning, young people follow admire their athletic prowess, but also their attitudes. An athlete should deserve hero worship. Be a part of the solution-- not nearly as difficult as it sounds.

If you haven't heard the story, Ines Sainz, a reporter for TV Azteca (a Mexican network) attended a Jets practice to interview quarterback Mark Sanchez. Coach Dennis Thurman threw footballs in the reporter's direction to move his players closer to her. Other coaches followed suit, the players hollered and cat-called her. Eventually seventeen people stepped forward to attest to the sexual harassment.

Ms. Sainz tweeted her discomfort from the locker room. The things that the Jets did and said made her uncomfortable, their words and gestures perhaps, snickers. She didn't find them funny or friendly; she felt vulnerable.

This, by definition, is sexual harassment-- making someone feel uncomfortable with sexually suggestive behavior.

It is one definition. There are several others, but sexual bullying is up there. What happened at the stadium, what happens in locker rooms when females of the media step in-- is sexual bullying-- harassment.

Unfortunately, one of the things about being on an all male team is that there is pressure to follow along, pressure to do what teammates are doing, just do what leaders suggest. It feels natural to go with the flow as one of the guys. It can be hard to be an individual, sometimes.

Sensitivity training might start right there.

Commissioner Goodell did the right thing to jump to rectify the incident. He called the behavior of the football team unprofessional and didn't waste time to act. Jets owner Woody Johnson wrote a personal apology to Sainz. He intends to pay to educate all 32 teams in the NFL about proper workplace conduct.

Already General Manager Mike Tannenbaum and Ms. Sainz have discussed the problem with Joanne Gerstner of AWSM to ensure a personal commitment — to ensure a respectful and professional environment for all members of the media.

Our programs are ready to go, Mr. Tannenbaum, Ms. Gerstner. You don't have to reinvent the wheel.

Linda Freedman, Phd, LCSW, LMFT

Katherine Schwarzenegger and the Female Body Image

Katherine Schwarzenegger has famous parents. Her father, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is the Governor of California. Her mother, Maria Shriver, a veteran journalist.

Katherine apparently has her mother's writing acumen because she's written a book, Rock What You've Got: Secrets to Loving Your Inner and Outer Beauty From Someone Who's Been There and Back.

It's about body image, how girls struggle with it.

Body image is a projection of self, really. All kinds of things build self-appreciation or self-esteem, even self-love, but it takes only a few negative messages to tear it down. A parent's critical remark-- You're getting so fat! --speaks volumes. We learn who we are from our first mirrors, our parents.

And you have to love you, is the truth, if you want to stand up to the big bad world. You have to love you if you want the courage to stand up for yourself, to establish boundaries, to protect yourself-- not only in intimate relationships but with everyone.

Ms. Schwarzenegger stresses in her book that girls work on their relationships with their mothers, that moms are the anti negative body image drug (our language, our interpretation), which makes great sense to us. Unfortunately, if a parent is part of the problem, bringing a therapist to the table is a good idea. Body image is important enough for that. Mothers can make indelible impressions, become formidable foes, usually completely unintentionally.

We learn that our author's parents were protective and tried to shield the family as much as possible from the public eye. They eschewed the celebrity trappings that can define Los Angeles like no other town. She tells us, "We practiced community service. We went to school and camp like normal kids." A real tribute to her family.

And yet, apparently, she felt self-conscious about her weight and tried to keep it under 100 pounds at one point. That's usually a symptom of Anorexia Nervosa, an eating disorder. It didn't become an obsession, however, didn't meet the criterion of a diagnosis.

What was it then? We hear

a competition with a friend.

Kid stuff. To a professional, however, it's unhealthy competition and screams low self-esteem. And Ms. Shriver concurs, basically tells us that this is the a corollary to what is becoming competition to be thin and sexy, even for pre-teens.

Friends are supposed to build you up, right? I'm sure we're going to read more about that in the book. Looking forward to it.

Linda Freedman, PhD, LCSW, LMFT

Rape Case Revisited

It doesn't happen very often, and doesn't prove innocence or guilt, but every once in awhile a rape case is reopened.

When it is a professional athlete who has been accused of rape, as is common for most legal matters, it is the client with the more convincing (more expensive) legal representation who will have his or her day in court. Meaning win. Ditto for world-renowned politicians, political activists, and celebrities.

The latest is WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, accused by a Swedish woman of rape. Now the charges are revisited, ostensibly as a smear campaign. The United States military, the brass at the Pentagon, surely many voters, are seething that WikiLeaks posts tens of thousands of military secrets on the Internet, communications about the war Afghanistan, government secrets. And WikiLeaks isn't finished. More secrets to come.

The chief prosecutor of the rape case in Stockholm, Eva Finne, dismissed Assange last week. But Director of Public Prosecution Marianne Ny has reopened it saying there is new information. Reversals are not uncommon in Sweden in the case of sex crimes according to journalist Malin Rising at Yahoo.

Why that's the case in Sweden and not here, in the United States, is one good question. In a country thought to be more liberal, one might think that it would be the opposite.

Claes Borgstrom, the lawyer who represents the woman who accuses Assange, delighted that the case is reopened, claims that his client has been dragged through the mud online for having made up things to frame Assange. Her life will never be the same, most likely.

Another question of course, is why anyone would do that, make themselves the subject of public scrutiny and ridicule as the victim of a rape. Most women, if not nearly all women, run from such a thing, community tongues wagging. Blaming the victim is still a myth gingerly tossed about--

She wanted it
She deserved it
She shouldn't have put herself in that position

In this case it is the entire international community talking about the victim, gossiping about her.

Not to accuse anyone, but the common thinking in the therapeutic community is that nobody wants that kind of press.

Linda Freedman, PhD, LCSW, LMFT

Are 'Sext' Messages Teenage Felony or Folly?

I was talking to an Illinois Congressman at a party after a funeral, of all things, and he asked me what I do when I'm not going to funerals.

"I give workshops to kids and faculty in schools, camps, and community centers, corporations-- on sexual harassment and bullying. It's become very hot now, but I've studied it for years, started it when someone hired me to do some research on rape. So now I'm into awareness and prevention. Less therapy for everyone."

He tells me that very soon Illinois will pass a law that eliminates felony charges for sexting. "It's crazy," he says, "to prosecute kids for doing what everyone else is doing. They don't know any better."

Which of course, is how it is. Most kids just want other kids to like them, and everyone has a phone with a camera, most can record video with sound. Teachers tell me they're afraid to talk freely with students for fear that they'll be caught saying something that might cost them their jobs.

They don't know any better --the congressman's words. We can warn them about permanence of Internet communication, and the danger of having photos with whiskey bottles on Facebook, how that might affect a scholarship or job prospect. But it's not enough, doesn't get to the heart of the matter.

Today's Wall Street Journal, (Nathan Koppel and Ashby Jones) tackles the sexting debate, defines sexting as:

the practice of sending nude or sexually suggestive photos by cell-phone.

So let's get to the heart of it.

Sexting, as a form of distribution of child pornography, is a relatively new phenomenon that is considered a felony in most states. Legislators and professionals who work with children are looking for other ways to approach the problem. The distribution of child pornography is not generally the intention of the message.

Chris Newlin of the National Children's Advocacy Center narrows the polemic to (a) bringing the hammer down, or (b) taking an individualized approach, like consulting with parents to decide what to do.

The matter is complicated when the picture that is circulating is generated to bully the victim. It's not that way, however, when romantic teenage couples share nude photos of themselves with one another, only.

As a form of valentine, sexting is still dangerous, however. When they break up, for they usually do in adolescence, the temptation to share the photos can be irresistible. When pictures are shared by many, then it really is no different than distributing child porn.

Now we're talking jail time, first offense 10 days inside.

Marjorie Esman of the ACLU opines that information about ourselves is not subject to governmental control, that the felony is a violation of the First Amendment. All eighth grade graduates know which one that is.

Jonathon Paton, a sponsor of new legislation that prohibits incarceration, tells us that the law gives prosecutors the

". . . option to put a squeeze on minors, . . . (without) something on their records forever."

That's one goal, obviously. Nobody wants anything like this on a permanent record.

Assemblywoman Pam Lampitt, also according to WSJ, tells it this way. Be logical:

"Look, kids do stupid things, impulsive things, all the time."

And Mary Leary, law professor at the Catholic University of America, who specializes in child exploitation reminds us that:

"The notion that this is simply innocuous behavior. . . ignores the circulation of images for eternity. . ."

No doubt. And the only way to combat all of this is to educate everyone. In this therapist's humble opinion, young people and older people, meaning adults, need to understand the essence of pornography, especially child pornography, why it is damaging, why it can be unalterably abusive. Objectification harms the object, an object that happens to be a person). But it also demeans the individual who consciously or unconsciously objectifies, lowers another person to object status.

They're talking about educating in the schools. It's about time.

Finally we're getting the picture.

Linda Freedman, PhD, LCSW, LMFT

Why Parents Don't Sleep at Night

Parents don't sleep for a thousand reasons, but one of them is worrying about their children, especially the older ones, the teenagers. They're old enough to go out and have a good time with friends, they drive, they feel on top of the world, omnipotent. They're kids, after all, and don't worry much about safety. So we worry for them.

And there are surely codes, friendship codes, that prohibit, put a damper on intimacy in the family, where it's so, so needed. "Do NOT tell your parents! I told you that in confidence!" is the rule. Parents are the last people to know, sometimes, when a young person is depressed, or angry, certainly when a kid is about to begin sexual relationships.

And when adults do try to warn about catastrophic things like rape, for example, they do it wrong. They don't tell their kids that 90% of all forced sexual relationships are between acquaintances, people who know one another. They blather on about disease, which is good, but not enough.

And they don't talk about jealousy, emotional blackmail, suicide, relationship abuse, the types and the psychological markers.

So where are kids supposed to learn about these things?

The obvious place to teach them is where they congregate, where they're captive audiences. A good dating safety workshop is captivating. There's nothing dry about heart-break or feeling unpopular.

Schools should be the starting place, and parents should keep pecking away, not avoid their kids because they think their children tune them out. If we teach them about relationships, the types of things they might also pick up in couples counseling or family therapy eventually, maybe we can prevent a few disasters, a few bad marriages, even.

It's not just common sense. If it was, relationship therapists (we're mental health professionals, treat the individual casualties) wouldn't be so busy, wouldn't have waiting lists.

Call it crisis prevention to justify it in the budget if you must. But put it on the school calendar, somehow. Then maybe parents will get a better night's sleep.


Linda Freedman, PhD, LCSW, LMFT

Sexual Harassment and the Company: Mark Hurd

THAT IS not MARK HURD in the photo above, and it is not JODIE FISHER, the employee who accused him of sexual harassment. But you get the idea.

This is the face of sexual harassment. It can look like friendly flirting, but it doesn't feel that way to the one feeling harassed. It feels like an assault, which is why it's a crime.

Front page, Wallstreet Journal-- Hewlett-Packard's Mark Hurd resigns as chief executive officer. An investigation found he had had a personal relationship with a contractor, a woman who received numerous inappropriate payments from the company.

Cathie Lesjak, Chief Financial Officer, will be replacing Mr. Hurd as interim CEO. Technically the investigation did not find a violation of the company’s sexual-harassment policy. But Mr. Hurd's

“. . . profound lack of judgment seriously undermined his credibility. . .damaged his effectiveness in leading HP” in the words of General Counsel Michael Holston.

HP shares plunged 9.3 percent in late trading after the announcement.

It isn't easy proving sexual harassment in a large corporation. The victim has to have been informed of policy, has to have followed the company policy, reported events, documented what happened, everything that happened, where and when, and if not satisfied with the company's internal response, report to the EEOC.

And that's just the beginning. If a complainant, the contractor in this case, pursues sexual harassment and wins, a typical settlement from a large corporation (like Hewlett Packard) hovers at $400,000. But plaintiffs have been awarded much larger settlements.

Among other things, the consequences of sexual harassment include (1) distressed emotional symptoms and the diagnosis of emotional and behavioral disorders, (2) damages to one's future job prospects (as a known trouble-maker), (3) financial hardship during and after exposure of the issue, (4) social isolation, (5) family dysfunction. All because a supervisor, anyone really, working in a company, has made another employee feel threatened or bullied with sexual inuendo or behavior.

We don't know exactly what happened in the situation of Mr. Hurt and the woman who accused him of sexual harassment. It seems he established a close personal, not a sexual relationship. He did meet with her in different cities, however, not generally the type of meetings characteristic of a CEO and a contractor, according to online reports. She alleged sexual harassment, perhaps the truth is somewhere in-between. It doesn't matter. It's settled and a female is running the company.

Most sexual harassment cases involve someone holding corporate power, a supervisor usually, and a more vulnerable employee, someone dependent upon this person for hours, benefits, reviews. There is often an implied threat, something along the lines of:

"If you don't date me, you won't be promoted. If you do date me, you'll be rewarded"

Rewards are generally in the form of raises, promotions, bonuses, or gifts.

Not unusual, unfortunately, this type of coercion.

Sexual harassment prevention workshops in corporations like Hewlett Packard, for many companies, even much smaller organizations, should be sure to be sensitive, yet direct. The traditional training seminar is presented by company counsel, and the psychology behind motives and consequences, light.

A more effective presentation, one that reaches the hearts and emotions of everyone in the organization, has more psychological savvy, communicates a better understanding of the real consequences of an abuse of power-- damages beyond the obvious hit to the corporate pocket book.

Cost-effective on-line training, which is very popular, doesn't have the teeth necessary, either. Webinars technically protect a company-- employees are duly warned, but they are not personal. They don't speak to people. It's a game online, an obligation.

What's needed is a combination of psycho-education and legal expertize-- a workshop that utilizes lawyers and mental health professionals.

Linda Freedman, PhD, LCSW, LMFT

What Dating-Defense Means

It's often said that teenagers "suffer" from the rush of hormones that course through them during adolescence. Suffering isn't exactly the right word. Wanting to connect with others is innate-- we're human, after all-- at all ages, social animals.

At birth we need to be held. It's not a need we should lose, particularly.

The suffering is often in relationships, the "joy" beginning with difficult parents or sibs, people who don't feel the need to explain their behavior, who often repeat what happened to them. Not every family is dysfunctional but many are, and you don't need for someone in the family to have an addiction to make home a difficult place to be.

And sometimes it's almost impossible to choose friends who make our lives miserable; who are difficult and manipulative, but attractive for some reason. Like members of the family, they might be coping in their way with depression, or anxiety, their own versions of insecure, and in their struggle, aren't always terribly nice. Emotional bullying isn't a new thing. Where there are kids, there are power struggles.

It is the personality disorders, actually, that tend to confuse kids and adults the most. We don't recognize real pathology readily, don't diagnose others as "borderline" or "hysterical" or "schizoid" for example, but they can be, and it isn't fun being them. And they don't treat us well, not usually. Having a "bad personality" is more than making inappropriate comments. Comments are surely part of it, though.

Unless you've taken a fair amount of psychology (or social work) classes, or live with a mental health professional, a person is likely to be clueless when it comes to such things-- personality disorders, insecurities. Personality development is very complicated.

But a good workshop can take some of the mystery out of the equation. Ask about Teacher's Institute relationship-safety workshops. You can find more information at Education-wise, Relationship-wise Inc, or call 888-761-7610.

Linda Freedman, PhD, LCSW, LMFT

Anger Issues: Intermittent Explosive Disorder and Carlos Zambrano

We're not diagnosing him with Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED), unless he assaulted someone physically, but this is as good a time as any to differentiate between IED and other impulse control problems. Sometimes a person can have impulse control problems, like Mr. Zambrano apparently has had, and not a full-blown diagnosis.

The damage can be devastating, no matter, and to thousands, disappointing, assuming that person represents a professional baseball team like the Chicago Cubs.

Carlos Zambrano of the Chicago Cubs is taking his anger management classes seriously, as well he should, for cursing out his teammates.

Being a Chicagoan, a town of two major league teams, baseball comes up in therapy every once in awhile, usually during small talk. And when it leads to talk about a certain player behaving like a 4-year old (famous for their tantrums, 4-year olds), when the talk is about anger management, the consensus of opinion tends to be:

What kind of a role model is this? How can an athlete speak this way to his teammates? In public?

The reaction is one of utter dismay and disgust-- not all that different than the dismay and disgust we sometimes feel for parents who get into brawls with other parents at Little League or soccer games. Mr. Zambrano was suspended for over a month after a dugout outburst aimed at teammate Derrek Lee and others.

We don't know why the Cubs pitcher had (has?) an anger management problem, but anger is everywhere in human relationships. It's usually a sign of frustration. We struggle to say it nice, but not everyone can express feelings with words that are meaningful, yet tame (what we call assertiveness), with just the facts, no irritability or blame. Anger, when it is expressed with negative emotion, emotion that signals hatred or disgust, with words that shame another, is a form of violence, even when there's no physical injury.

We call it emotional injury, or verbal abuse when words hit as hard as a fist. A therapist looks deep for personality disorders, Antisocial Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder-- these types of differential diagnoses, including those listed in "C" below.

When it's the fist that lets loose, then sometimes a diagnosis can be as serious as Paranoid Schizophrenia. But usually what we have is Intermittent Explosive Disorder, 312.34.

Here's what the diagnostic bible, the DSM IV-TR has to say about it. The DSM IV-TR will be the DSM V in the next couple of years. But until it is, this is what we've got:

A. Several discrete episodes of failure to resist aggressive impulses that result in serious assaultive acts or destruction of property.

B. The degree of aggressiveness expressed during the episodes is grossly out of proportion to any precipitating psychosocial stressors.

C. The aggressive episodes ar not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g. Antisocial Personality Disorder, a Manic Episode, Conduct Disorder, or Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) and are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g. a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical conditin (e.g., head trauma, Alzheimer's disease).

Even kids can be diagnosed with this disorder. When they seem to have it, a good physical/psychological evaluation is a must.

Linda Freedman

Another Innocent

We're all innocent until proven guilty, even if acquaintance rape does seem to be an occupational hazard in athletics. But pro ball players are our role models, not your average Joes. We'd rather not hear about stories like this, rather not have to see them on the defensive.

The story:

A pimp sends a 16 year-old girl to visit a football player in a hotel room, an ex-Giant. An older woman who has accompanied the girl with the pimp in the car, maintains that the girl never had sex with the football player. Lawrence Taylor did give her money, yes, but the teenager returned to the car, the one with the pimp and the informant, to say,

"It was weird ... we didn't even have sex."

Not so hard to believe, but not so easy either. For the girl tells us she was raped.

So this will be another case of a pro on the defensive, and a person who manages an under-aged girl for sex is also, we assume, under investigation.

The lesson:

Sixteen, and younger, is rape bait. A thinking adult male who values his career and family life, his reputation, should not invite an under-aged teenager to his hotel room. Prostitution is illegal to protect kids, primarily, from rape. Age is one of the ways we define rape.

Even if a minor wants sex, consents fully, is sober, even signs a legal document! If the person she is consorting with is an adult, it is technically rape.

So who to believe? Did they do a rape-kit? To prove rape you need to show force (except with kids), DNA, and proof that there was sex. When a victim goes to an emergency room or to the police, it is law in most of the 50 states to administer a rape kit. We'll find out in the coming weeks what happened with that.

We still need to educate professional athletes, our role models.
We could teach them, for example:

If you're paying for friends, make them adult friends. Why an athlete needs to hire a teenage friend is something to wonder about, since everyone wants to be friends with a pro. But even pros can be socially phobic, may have difficulty socializing. People have their reasons. And escorts stay under the radar, aren't likely to brag.

So we have to teach them that sex, if it's ever construed as rape, is not about bragging, it's about hurting. Unless a person has been raped, it may be hard to empathize with that. But the statistics on acquaintance rape for women and men are high. One in three for women, one in nine for men.

To be a role model, then, our professionals might begin with no under-aged escorts in hotels, no sex in the restrooms at the bar, either. If you do this, let teenagers into your rooms, it's very hard for most jaded individuals, and who isn't jaded anymore, to think that nothing has happened between you.

The weirdest thing, she says. For sure.

Defense-wise

NFL Anonymous

Anonymous Athlete, a new column in the New York Daily News, promises to bring out the secret lives of athletes.

It's not that we're voyeurs. Actually, it is that we're voyeurs. It's a miracle this isn't a reality TV show, yet, but it will be. And that will take the word, anonymous out of the 12-Step programs, which is bad, but okay. Anything to disseminate healthy changes, and athletes in 12-Step programs are modeling healthy changes.

The addictions programs based upon the 12-Steps emphasize anonymity because when you're anonymous, you feel more free to talk. And it's the talking that heals, having people.

I.M. Anonymous at the Daily News writes:

It’s only for a few months, because while the NFL is hard on guys like Brian Cushing (Houston Texans linebacker and reigning Defensive Rookie of the Year recently tested positive for a banned substance and will miss four games this season), it’s easy on players who use street drugs.

Players are tested at random for performance enhancing drugs, but only once a year, in the spring, for street drugs.

While the NFL is chasing down those PED “cheaters,” the real losers only need to cut back on drug use for about two months, in May and June. We’re warned at the very first meeting of May minicamp/OTAs by the head athletic trainer: “Annuals are this week …

In other words, they have advance warning so it's easy to stop the drug abuse in time for testing. Straighten up for two months, ditch your marijuana, your cocaine, and you're good.

Like that's so easy. At least they're good for now.

Defense-wise

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar on Entitlement

Above: At the White House in 2006.

One of the things we associate with sexual assault is entitlement, people thinking they can have what they want. No need for permission. You're just supposed to get it. No need to ask, not if you really are special. And you get to feeling special if people lavish you with attention and prizes, wealth. Success doesn't go to everyone's head, of course, but it's certainly a toxic variable for some. We see a sense of entitlement associated with athletes accused of acquaintance rape.

Those who feel entitled take liberties in relationships, not just athletes, too. People who are married rape their spouses and until relatively recently, thought they were entitled. The king of the castle.

Being a professional athlete is like being a king. They're treated like royalty.

So we're thrilled, amazed, and hopeful that young people are paying attention to the subtext of what Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is saying. The subtext is:

You're not entitled to anything vis-a-vis relationships. You can't take what you want, you can't act aggressively off the court, and you surely need permission for sex.

That's my interpretation. If he said it, it's not in the article.

What he did say, however, is that there’s a disturbing sense of entitlement among many of today’s young pros.

And more: kids shouldn't expect huge salaries and the NBA should raise its minimum age for entry into the league to 21.

He's telling young people, young athletes, that they should finish college. Get an education. Pursue your dreams but don’t let your education suffer.

This in NYC, home of Boys Town, founded by the Rev. Edward Flanagan. Get it in the curriculum, Reverend, and please, please, please. Have someone discuss the laws about informed consent in sexual relationships..

The more professionals who preach the anti-entitlement message, the more professional future professional athletes will be.

Thanks Kareem.

Defense-wise

Dwyane Wade

What makes anyone tolerate abuse? Usually prior years of abuse. If you live in an abusive family, then you don't know, haven't been taught as a child, to leave. The message is really the opposite, that abuse is normal and a person should stay, that it is deserved.

I once talked to a woman who told me that her spouse beat her to a pulp, dropped her with their son off at an emergency room, and left them. She walked home, carrying the child, didn't admit herself to the hospital. She didn't want to get the man who beat her into trouble. She must have had nowhere to go. But that's another story. These days, there is always somewhere to go, and the beginning is, the ER.

The more experience with it, pain, the more you get used to it. But Siohvaughn Wade (the professional basketball player's wife) if her story is true, isn't waiting until the damage is irreparable to her self-esteem, her life. She knows that it's co-dependent to stay, that it's not good to get used to it.

It really is illegal for people to beat on one another in this country. Maybe you can get away with slapping your kid on the bottom, but he'll call 911. So why even bother with that?

Did Dwyane Wade behave like an animal? Innocent until proven guilty. He's going through a nasty divorce and anything goes in these. The story in the Chicago Sun Times:

Siohvaughn Wade filed a lawsuit Tuesday accusing Dwyane Wade of abuse, including picking her up and throwing her to the ground while she was pregnant.

In a February 2010 outburst, Dwyane Wade allegedly called their crying 8-year-old son a "m-----------'' and said "Didn't I tell you men don't f------ cry, man the f--- up," according to the lawsuit.

Attached to the lawsuit is a March application for a restraining order, sparked --she claims in the documents -- by a recent fight between the Wades that triggered a panic attack.

Abuse makes us anxious. We get panic attacks when we're afraid. And her kids, if any of this is true, are going to be more susceptible to panic attacks and post-traumatic stress, too.

Bad PR, true or not, for the Miami Heat. We can only hope she made it up, but most people don't, is the truth. Intimate partner violence is another way to discharge bad feelings. In the wrong place at the wrong time, at home.

It's like kicking the dog, domestic abuse, after a hard day at work. Anger management is easy for those who were forced to control it as children, but so many of us never learned it. And if you grow up with violence, either at home or on the streets, you learn it's okay to whack one another. Okay to behave like an animal.

I think it's even harder for athletes than the rest of us, because competition is aggression. It's hard to turn it off. But you guys are our heroes, you're examples to our kids. You have to be especially good role models.

A devout Christian, Mr. Wade chose the number 3 for his jersey to represent the trinity. And he has two sons, Zaire Blessing Dwyane, and Zion Malachi Airamis, so he knows he has to be a role model. And he gives plenty of charity.

Tell us it's not so, Dwyane. And if it is, find a way to tell your boys you were wrong, and they should never behave this way.

Linda Freedman, PhD

Dallas Braden's Perfect Game

We could say he did it for his Mom. The photo above is his grandmother, Peggy Lindsey, who watched the Oakland A's starter breeze past the Tampa Bay Rays on Mother's Day.

His mom, Peggy's daughter, passed away from cancer when he was a senior in high school.

Some kids do their best to forget, to move on. They don't even talk about their losses. Dallas pitches a perfect game. He did it for her, of course, pitched what is only the 19th perfect game in major league baseball history.

This is healthy grieving, doing something in memory of someone who has passed away. That's what Mother's Day has to be about, sometimes. That's being a great role model for kids and adults.

Defense-wise

University of Virginia: Alcohol and Lacrosse:

Let's not be surprised that 8 out of 41 players on the roster of the University of Virginia lacrosse team have a history of trouble with the law-- and it's all about alcohol.

If you've ever treated athletes, you know that they work hard, or they should, and they play hard, which they shouldn't. And if you're talking young athletes, the play can be really reckless. We wise up as we age, most of us.

But athletes, like everyone else, cure their social anxiety and their awkwardness with America's favorite drug. They say they're partying, but it's more than that. To give an athlete the benefit of the doubt, we might suggest that competition raises anxiety, and anxiety raises the number of Saluts, Cheers, and L'chaims!

And drinking, let's face it, is culturally sanctioned, for the most part, and the legal age a very hard law to enforce.

George Huguely is among the players at U-Va who had previous alcohol-related offenses while enrolled in school. He's accused of murdering Yeardley Love, who broke up with him a couple of weeks ago. Huguely is reported to have been pulled off of Ms. Love in an altercation at a party only two months ago.

He allegedly shook her, banged her head against a wall repeatedly until she died on May 3, 2010.

None of the other guys on the team did anything to compare to it. Their arrests are not as exciting:

underage alcohol possession,
fake ID's
and DUI's

If you drink enough, you don't know what you're capable of, really.

Could we diagnose Mr. Huguely based upon the things we hear in the news? He couldn't handle rejection. He had a previous episode with a police officer, so violent he had to be subdued by taser. He swore, spat out vulgarities and racial epithets at the officer.

To be sure we'll hear words like borderline pop up in future news stories. And Borderline Personality Disorder. Narcissistic Personality Disorder, too.

The Washington Post tells us that two players of the eight were found not guilty, while six were convicted or pleaded guilty of these lesser alcohol-related crimes.

So there's some history here of disrespect for drinking laws among athletes, nothing unusual for college students in general. Now that a college athlete who abuses alcohol has implicated himself in a murder, social scientists everywhere are scratching their beards (chins) thinking of every possible variable associated with such a crime.

I'd just go with alcohol, keep it simple.

But there are those jealous, violent tendencies we're hearing about, and you can't just dismiss them. After the incident with the police officer, Huguely

received a 60-day suspended sentence, six months' supervised probation and a fine, according to court records. He was ordered to complete 50 hours of community service and 20 hours of substance abuse education, which he finished in July, the records show.

He needed therapy, too. Had he known more about handling rejection, abandonment, he might not have lost control. Had he been flagged for "instability", challenged about his "flare ups", had he been forced into therapy, and sure, anger management, Yeardley Love would be alive today.

Monday morning quarterback.

If you learn anger management but don't cut out the alcohol, and you have an anger management problem, mysteriously, no matter how good the anger management course, you still won't get a grip. And if you only go after the alcohol, if that's all you treat, if you're an angry alcoholic you'll be an angry dry drunk, with no personality change.

The police want to know whether officials knew about the team's "hard party" reputation, or Huguely's earlier arrest for a drunken, violent confrontation with a female police officer. University President John T. Casteen III knew nothing about the encounter, and tells us that officials at the school will now check students against public records each semester.

We're also told that Athletic Director Craig Littlepage affirms that when the school is made aware that an athlete has had trouble with police, that matters are handled according to "long-standing policies."

Perhaps reexamine those.

Many schools have programs now, usually that first week of school, during orientation, to educate kids, disseminate policies. They show cool movies about alcohol overdoses and rape. They're pretty good, too. I've seen them. They should be mandatory.

Words like expulsion need to be batted around, but there are softer words, too, we can talk about. But probation and community service don't cut it. Alcohol treatment and therapy, now you're getting somewhere-- with anger management.

Make it a package deal.

It's good that student records will be cross-checked with public records from now on. What they're going to do with the matches, we'll have to wait and see.

Linda Freedman, PhD

Amirmotazedi's Real World

It's not as if you have to sign a consent form to have a sexual relationship.

But if you've been drinking and don't want to be accused of rape, or you've been drinking and just can't say no, then informed consent is something to talk about. Informed consent is what the judge is looking for in rape cases. Legal sex, for there is such a thing, has to be consensual. If you're under the influence, there can be shades of gray.

Informed consent implies sobriety for contracts, too. A person is less informed as the blook levels get higher, is the thinking. We miss details when we're drunk, and we're easily influenced. Our inhibitions, our rational selves, go bye bye.

That or we forget the information right away. Or we might not care. Caring is key to avoid regret, guilt, anger, and humiliation.

It isn't that surprising that reality television has its share of regretful participants, people who signed away consent, liability waivers, before the cameras started to roll. But most people don't sue. One woman, however, in a recent episode of MTV's "The Real World" is suing producers for $5 million.

She's saying that she was plied with alcohol and ridiculed when she refused to have sex with one of the show's cast members.

Golzar Amirmotazedi is suing Viacom, MTV and Bunim/Murray Prods for a number of things, including invasion of privacy and negligent infliction of emotional distress. Apparently she was thrown out of a house in Washington, DC and later portrayed on the show as crazy, emotionally disturbed for not playing along, not having sex.

According to Reuters and Yahoo, online comments called her a "crack whore" and Andrew's "crazy stalker chick."

Bullying everywhere!

But not so crazy, refusing to have sex for reality television.

It's ironic that even if you refuse to have sex, refuse to be raped for television (the show must go on), you can still be raped emotionally, bullied.

Perhaps there is no such thing as privacy if you consent to let the cameras roll. The courts will bat this one around, assuming Ms. Amirmotazedi doesn't settle. She signed liability waivers, claims she was inebriated at the time.

If she proves that, then the floodgates are open. We'll hear more stories like this one.

George Huguely: Innocent Until Proven Guilty

A scandal hit hard at Landon High School in Bethesda, four years ago in April, 2006. The kids worried about their friends who had graduated and played lacrosse for Duke University*. Their old teammates were now accused of gang rape.

The college students, all team players, under-aged at the time, and had partied hard at an off campus residence. They invited a stripper, African American, and allegedly brutally raped her. The boys were subsequently exonerated following an emotional investigation. Race had something to do with it, we understand.

George Huguely, at the time a student at Langdon, told the Washington Post in 2006:

"I sympathize for the team. They've been scrutinized so hard and no one knows what has happened yet. In this country, you're supposed to be innocent until proven guilty. I think that's the way it should be."

George, who now plays lacrosse at the University of Virginia, was arrested for murder this morning.

The Duke case, and others, like one at the University of Notre Dame, brought attention to the rape culture associated with athletes and alcohol-- fraternities and drinking, too, on campus. Now we're talking a whole new level of violence. George Huguely is the prime suspect in the murder of his girlfriend, also a lacrosse player, Yeardly Love.

Surely there can't be an association, not when it comes to our kids, between athleticism and murder! All they want to do is play ball, hopefully win. If they party and they drink, they're in there with your average American collegian.

But maybe the variables that add up to violence on campus, be it rape or murder, include the following:

alcohol
competition
and maybe privilege

Athletes are gifted, they are rewarded. They do feel they have things coming to them. Look at Mike Tyson, Kobe Bryant, Tiger Woods, to name a few.

On campus our athletes are treated like gold. Their dorms are better, they have food allowances, cars, scholarships. And groupies.

Maybe it's time to cut that out, the privilege part. Certainly if we find that privilege means that if you have an argument and you lose, you're driven to kill. It's all hypothetical, of course, that athletes are more driven, more passionate. And the lesson from Duke is clear: Innocent until proven guilty.

Still, it's something to think about, isn't it? Taking the privilege out of college sports? Because we can't take away the competition, and there's no way kids will stop drinking.

But they should do that, too, of course. Drinking been shown, time and time again, to be associated with violence. It disinhibits, you know? And we need those inhibitions, actually, to be civilized.


Linda Freedman, PhD

Allem Halkic: Bullying and Suicide

Thanks to the Wyndham Leader for the photo:
http://wyndham-leader.whereilive.com.au/news/story/teen-death-leaves-void/

There's nothing sadder than this, kids killing themselves. We've talked about Phoebe Prince, who suffered from depression years before she hung herself when she couldn't take the bullying at South Hadley High School. For months peers had called her names-- whore, slut. Those kinds of names.

Now the young man who stalked Allem Halkic (17 at his death by suicide on Feb 5, 2009), Shane Phillip Gerada, 21 has been convicted for bullying via text. According to the Hobson Bay Leader:

The court heard Allem took his life on the West Gate Bridge after receiving the texts, which included threats from Gerada including “I’ll put you in hospital” and “Don’t be surprised if you get hit soon”.

Magistrate Peter Reardon told the court Gerada’s criminal activity did not cause Allem’s death, but it demonstrated the impact threats could have on their victim.

It's probably safe to say that some kids have problems that attract the attention of aggressive kids, kids who act out their problems violently, displace aggression, we say. Victims are targeted as vulnerable. But a kid doesn't need to be depressed first, doesn't need to be vulnerable, to be bullied. Sometimes you're just in the wrong place at the wrong time, strike the wrong chord in the wrong people. And those people can make your life miserable.

What we see, as the research piles up, is that bullying has a devastating effect upon self-esteem, and victims can be very lonely, very despondent. Friends, peers, at any age, are important, but all the more-so in adolescence. Thus the scape-goats are truly at risk.

The Halkics, Allems parents, want to sue the State Government (this crime was in Australia) and VicRoads over claims that they failed to prevent deaths at the West Gate Bridge. You see, Allem's suicide followed a story about a father throwing his 4-year old daughter from the bridge. Allem supposedly asked his father after news broke about the child's murder at the hands of her father,

'Dad was it that easy?'

Then a week later, he took his own life, jumping from the bridge after being bullied on a social networking website.

You could say that kids need more education about bullying and mental health. No?

Linda Freedman

New Jersey Principal Calls for Middle School Social Networking Ban

Someone's awake!

And he's the principal of Benjamin Franklin Middle School in Ridgewood, New Jersey.
Tony Orsini has requested parents to keep computers out of their kids' bedrooms. That's where predators can forge relationships with unsuspecting, naive little kids.

He's discouraging social networking, too.

Why? Predators troll social network sites for kids who don't worry about tight privacy settings. Kids are also vulnerable to cyber-bullying from not only peers, but total strangers who blackmail them for porn. Mr. Orsini tells only the half of it:

If one or two kids, and they don't have to even be from our town, say something bad about what you look like, or make fun of the way that you dress, or your sexuality, that stuff can't come back, and for an 11-year old, or a 12-year old, that's devastating. And they're just too young..

Mr. Orsisi wants Facebook and other social networking sites like Formspring, banned from his school. He thinks the risk is far too great.

The kids have mixed feelings. Many think the focus should be on education, not draconian measures like these.

But that only means they haven't had a decent workshop on the subject.

Linda Freedman, LCSW, LMFT, PhD

The Reputation Doctors and Aftershave

Mike Paul has my vote. Dennis Ross and Jonathan Bernstein are surely close in the race.

At Freep.com and in the Pittsburgh Review Tribune we read that the Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger,

issued a three-paragraph, 119-word statement. . . briefer than his 74-second, mulleted mea culpa before the cameras a few weeks ago. . . after a Georgia prosecutor declined to charge him in connection with a college student's rape accusation.

Dennis Ross III, president of Ross Crisis Management in Atlanta, said Roethlisberger's statement "did not do any harm, which in his case and what he's been dealing with, is actually a plus." Indeed, the apology is his apology, not a canned speech, according to Mr. Ross.

As you probably know, Mr. Roethlisberger has been suspended by the National Football League for a few games. No small deal, a few games, when you're the star quarterback. The suspension is for violating the team's personal conduct policy.

The courts have a notoriously difficult time convicting athletes of rape, even attempted rape. The juries are not in favor or vilifying heroes. And professional athletes have the financial muscle to hire the very best in defense. So most victims give up.

The news is that Mr. Roethlisberger is not going to appeal the penalty and is going to

"comply with what is asked of me — and more."

Bob Cohn reports that he says he won't put himself in this situation again.

Sounds good to me. And it's hopeful the Steelers will insist he get some therapy for himself, not just for his reputation. You would think.

Crisis managers Jonathan Bernstein, and Mike Paul (the Reputation Doctor) don't think that a few pat lines to the public about remorse are good enough. Anyone can recite an canned apology to the fans. And they're right, of course. Talk is cheap.

We have all kinds of platitudes like that, talk is cheap, in the English lexicon. He talks the talk, doesn't walk the walk. Some of this language comes from addictions, the 12-step programs. Recovery programs and therapy are all about this, walking walks. Behaving differently.

So how would one go about really changing? It's much more than changing one's reputation, although that's a start, anything that motivate will do. But real change is so hard.

I'd say it's the beginning of the walk, working on your reputation. We could call it getting up, getting out of bed to walk the walk. The speech in front of the cameras is the aftershave.

Mr. Paul is correct in thinking that changing reputation is about changing self. In therapy we go about this in so many different ways, we can't boil the process down. If there were any one variable that mattered, it would be commitment, probably. The recovery programs are very big on this, commitment, and community, good places to stretch the muscles.

And the recovery programs tend to emphasize the following six elements.

We could call most of them warm-up, if not the walk.

(1) Seriously examining behavior, the harm one has caused, over a life-time

(2) Empathizing with the victims and getting up the courage to apologize with sincerity. This takes about six months, by the way.

(3) Rethinking identity, considering becoming a person who is actually, completely different.

(4) Targeting change behaviors, trying them out, asking others to help.

(5) Making a sincere commitment to working on the changes, establish the framework, the external manifestations of change

(6) Changing inside, leaving the old, less functional behaviors behind because they just don't work anymore.

The change part is what usually gets to people. Most of us find that pretty hard to do, really own that we're a mess, and fix it. It's gotta' take time to change inside and out.

So you can change the reputation, but changing the guy is harder.

Still, I like very much Mike Paul's (the Reputation Doctor) ideas for restoration of public trust. He describes reputation bricks: truth, honesty, humility, transparency, accountability and consistency. Sounds easy, walking that walk, but it's gotta' be the hardest thing you'll ever do.

Relationship-wise, Inc, a training psycho-education initiative, probably should team up with the P.R. people who do the damage control when athletes and movie start, teachers and corporate managers, spin out of control. We all team up, work on damage control and prevention.

Mr. Paul's motto, "Because Your Reputation is Everything" is more than half right.
It's the old adage, Biblical, for sure:A good name is the most important thing you've got.

I would add: Try not to lose it in the first place.

Linda Freedman, PhD